guys guide to perfect wife gifts

Hey everyone. It's me, JJWT. I'm pretty busy with law/biz/med/dental school. It's intense. Other guys always ask me for advice. Probably bc I'm ripped and also bc my wife brags about me tons. With holidays coming up, guys need all the help they can get. When wife is happy life is happy. That's so true TAMN stenciled it on the wall between my weights and gun case. I figured I'd share a couple tips. You're welcome.

• Hit the gym. The best gift you can give your wife is a hot husband. When my pecs bounce she goes nuts. Seriously.

• Whatever you buy, make sure it's full price. Sales look good, but don't do it. Trust me. If you didn't pay full price, women can smell it. Don't ask how or why. it's a fact of life.

• Jewelry. Girls love stuff with meaning. So, make up whatever it's supposed to mean before you give it to her. This saves tons of time and helps you seem deep.

• Clothes. Buying her clothes is dumb. Gift cards are better. It's how girls work. Let her shop her head off. If you pick something out yourself, you'll be sorry. If you insist on buying her stuff (but trust me bro, don't), always buy a couple sizes too small. Girls love that. The only exception to this rule is bras.

• For reasons we'll never understand, redbox and pizza is unacceptable. I don't know why either, but they flip out every time. Even if they say it's okay, it's not. Seriously.

• Spa stuff. This is tough. She probably wants a pedicure. However, she could lose it if she thinks you're hinting that her feet are gross. Same with salon stuff. She'll be all "You hate my hair don't you?" or "Are you saying I need a facial bc I'm zitty?" If possible, do a general GC for pampering. This you can always spin as less "Revamp those nasty toes" and more "You deserve a break, angel wife."

• Vacations. First, call it a vaycay. I don't get why. Just do. She'll think it's cute you pay attention to her lingo. Second, you can probably get it for free with credit card points. TAMN racks up enough on my AmEx we get a free cruise every year. Do NOT let her know it's free. Tell her you had to work late for a month to pay for it. This is a great time to watch the R-rated movies she flips out about or else play Xbox.

• In case of backfire: if she hates what you got her, don't panic. Twist whatever she screamed at you into something seductive. For example, she yells, "I am not wearing that in public!" You smile and say, "I never intended you to, baby." Pec flexing ensues.
  

This advice is subject to change and may not apply if your wife is ticked. That's your problem, not mine.

Happy holidays. Later.

(you can also see these tips in the November/December 2009 issue of Wasatch Woman Magazine)