September 16, 2008

my pour guy friends!

Sam said: TAMN, I'm currently searching for my eternal companion, and your post for your searching sisters was great, but I'm a searching BROTHER! How/where do I find a girl even half as awesome as you!? And once I find her, what do I do to make her mine?

Seriously, great Q! SO glad you asked bc seriously, your attractive level is like your BMI but of even MORE eternal consequence. Single brethren, print this and put it under your pillow ASAP.

Seven Fab Ways To Snag Your Own Me
  1. Law/biz/medical/dental school is a m-u-s-t. If you can't get into those, chiropractor school is an acceptable backup. Teaching slash writing slash being good at cars or whatever else is fine for a hobby but NOT a job if you wanna seal the deal.
  2. Gym it up. If you can't actually GO to the gym a lot, def talk about it tons, keep a gym bag visible in the back seat, and act sore a lot. Its impeerically proven and ladies know it: six pack now --> stake pres later.
  3. Bring your camera EVERYWHERE and take a gazillion variations of these same 2 awesome pics: shot of your armpit as you hold the camera out with you guys smiling, shot of your armpit as you hold the camera out with you guys faking a serious pout. If you want to be taken seriously as a suitor, these pics should be on facebook within 2-4 hours.
  4. mention your mish ONLY IN PASSING. Plz, plz, plz, canNOT emphasize this enough...teensy stories are best bc entire stories are TOTAL yawners...if you insist on telling them, make 'em short and chalkful of things like brute strength and leadership experience. If you weren't AP you're probably outta your league, but if nothing else, worse case scenario you can throw in something about your eagle.
  5. Lines should be both smooth and to the point. "You look hot" is good, "You ARE hot" is better. "I always wanted to date someone spiritual" is good, "You could totally be a GA wife" is better. "Want to go to Anthro?" is good, "I want to take you to Anthro" is better. Must I go on?
  6. Heard of the no-touchy-in-the-strike-zone rule? What the nineteen eighties! Now it's the swimsuit rule (meaning, don't touch where a swimsuit would be) so thanx to modest bikinis there's TONS more leeway, but, DEFINITELY still keep both feet on the ground.
  7. Bring a notebook to firesides. Not to USE, as you'll ideally be busy playing with long multi-colored tresses and/or back scratching, but just carrying it speaks volumes about you.

61 comments:

Jane @ What About Mom? said...

I LOVE you. Even though you, like, totally ignored my request I left in a comment a couple weeks ago.

But now that I'm the first comment (or so), maybe you'll see it:

PLEASE review the Twilight series. I need this. Badly.

Thanks!

kris said...

THAT'S what I've been doing wrong! Strike zone is out, swimsuit zone is in. Six pack --> stake pres. Damn, TAMN. You're good.

Misty said...

Thanks so much for posting this. I saw so many of these Characteristiks in my hubby back when we were dating. We are totally like sisters or something, because we both know how to land that AWESOME hubby. Although I'm sure yours is way better.

The Raybould Family said...

Wow... my husband did ALL of these!!!! Did he have your number? No wonder I fell for him SO HARD.

Thank the heavens for you, Tamn. I wouldn't be married to MY JJWT right now if not.

Hizzeather said...

They should discuss this at the next General Priesthood meeting! I can't wait to read that talk in the Nov. Ensign! ;)

Thank goodness for modest bikinis! :) ha ha ha...

Erin The Great said...

I'd have to say those are right on. I should probably add that if you really want a wife, you should dress to impress... none of this 'rolling out of bed' and putting on mismatching clothes unless they're from Abercrombie, and then you have no worries :)

Natalie said...

It's so nice of you to help out all the single and searching brothers (they totally need your help!). You will definitely get major blessings for this!

Adam and Kristina said...

Something else that made me fall for my JJWT was that he drove a ginormous truck, which he liked to rev up when he would honk for me to come out on our dates.

Nothing like the sweet smell of success, and exhaust, to get my motor revving, if you know what I mean.

Jennifer Kambourian said...
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Jenn said...

TAMN, How do you do it all? Any advice for time-challenged people like me who just can't seem to fit it all in and et everything done?

BYU Athletic Supporter said...

Bringing the notebook to Firesides is a big one!! That is how I snagged my hottie.

Melissa said...

The notebook is not only a plus for knowing how awesome you are, but you can also write little notes to her about how awesome you KNOW she is!

Nancy said...

What the nineteen eighties! Ha ha. Pleaz put this on a t-shirt!

Token Asian Friend said...

Oh no! My husband teaches classes on writing about being good at cars. And he was only ZL! What have I done?

Amber said...

So seriously addicted to this blog!

Piko and Kanoe sitting in a tree. . . said...

I married right. . . six-pack now = stake pres. later. LOL!

You made this prego woman's day! Thanks.

*MARY* said...

I'm not going to comment on this post, I'm still mad I didn't win any baby leggings and over sized flower headbands for my daughter.

Mel said...

Oh my kosh I can't stop reading this ube cute blog! You are totes on track here, TAMN, totes. Onlie can I just say that we can't 4get HIS mom has to be ube cute too! Super important!

by AnnieValentine said...

Guys should def be sure to talk about past super hot/spiritual girlfriends and lay the law down--No caffeine (except DC), PG only, gym membership, and prior RS presidency experience is a must.

Also, carrying pics with them of cute neese/nefews shows that paternal side that all us can't live without.

Abbie said...

You forgot to mention that they should wear their favorite local band's shirt as often as possible, with their thrift store sweaters. SOOO cute and unique.

Also, find a band that lots of people like, and mention that you totally loved them before they were famous.

crystal said...

Hillarious! Thanks for something seriously funny to laugh at everyday!

From a serious bunco mom.

Becky said...

I have nvr laughed so hard - totally addicted to your blog - almst as much as twilight - wd luv to hear your take on that one!

Megz said...

SOO true about the mish thing! My JJWT wanted to talk about his mish so bad (cause he'd been home only three days before we got engaged!) but knew that was selfish because we hadn't even talked about ME for two whole years, so why should he get all the attention??
So instead he invited me to his mish reunion where everyone else could tell me how great he was as AP. Totally worked because then I knew he was humble and super spurichal. Plus I got to show his comps how much better I looked in person than in that 8x10 Glamour Shot he had of me.

Ruthykins said...

the great thing about my husband is how much he is into me. i think he totally knew about the swim suit zone rules and he only listened to church music in his car so that i could see how spiritchal he was slash is.

ramsam said...

Okay Boys- I MUST add;

on the serious pose- place thumb and finger across chin AKA 'pondering pose'

Get her number and TEXT sweet things. "I M thnkng of U" or "loved ur Testimony 2day" are gr8 starters.

TAMN- so glad you finally blogged this. I know a few guys who have been home from mish like, a year. They need to get on it!

LindsSawyer said...

I officially nominate you for president....Sara has nothin on you!

Chel said...

Hey TAMN! Since GC is coming up in like a week, he should totes take notes and then hilite the things she should work on. It would help her to get more spirtchal and then she could get the RS Pres. job. Hugs.

Mina said...

My hubby did it a bit differnt. He dressed like a surfer and wus in a band. They made a demo tape, and totally put a pic of MY leg on the cover! I knew he was SO devoted. And now he owns a business totally un-music related, which of course makes tonz more money. But we aren't materialistik about things, tho.

Jess... said...

i so hope that was sarcasm - if i were a man looking for a wife... i would choose different qualities than the ones you described for men to catch a woman! who wants plastic?

AzĂșcar said...

And he has to be able to freak dance REALLY WELL, but only as a joke!!!! BECAUSE EWW!

randa_joy said...

"...you'll ideally be busy playing with long multi-colored tresses."

killin' me

linzipoo said...

six pack now --> stake pres later

You are a GENIOUS girl!!!

Miranda said...

TAMN! You need to get one of those way cute blog backgrounds that all the lds mommies, or soon to be mommys like you have.

Vera said...

Fab

Jacque said...

I will print this out for my little brother. He's 13, but it's never too early to start, right?!

Brandon and Julie said...

Um, totally fab advice, except you forgot about super spiky, David Beckham-like hair and popped collars.

Lyndsey said...

I must add that I would love a man to say to me "I think your degrees are hot." I would make him my JJWT in an instant!

Allison Claire said...

You have the best advice EVA!

Sarah Palin said...

It's Sara"h". Get it right.

Mhana said...

Forget couponing! (Verbing sher weirds language!!) Didn't anyone notice you've hit 10 weeks?! I had the day circled on my Precious Moments calendar!! BAAAAAAA! When do we get to hear about the DTD? As a total Yvette I know the only way I could be perswaded to get married would be if I got to hear all the details of your uterus!!!! Nothing makes me want to go forth and replenish like hearing how you KNOW you're having twins because you're CD player was playing "One Boy, One Girl." Plz plz plz tell me everything. Oh my gosh, what if your DTD was the vampire doctor (Cumberland or whatever his name was! BAAAAAAA!)

Kerry said...

You look hot is good. You ARE hot is better. You look hot is good. You ARE hot is better.

I'm going to repeat this all day. THANX, TAMN!

Token Asian Friend said...

Sara Paylin just commented on your blog, TAMN! I had no idea she reads mo-mommy blogs. She's got my vote for prez!

Lisa said...

And if you want to feel her out for her didication to all things spirithcal a really sly way is to ask "how important is a temple marriage to you." If she says "super important" you say "I really hoped you would say that" if she says "I'm not sure"...put the moves on! Repeat until you find that gal that says "super important" then she's the one to marry, but at least you won't be goin' in without a test drive. Oh, also, make SURE and plan a "pre-honeymoon" trip to someplace romantic. Make it very clear that even though you are going to cancun/hawaii/mazatlan and it is just the two of you, will will be paying for two seperate rooms ( ie: two beds in one suite) because your impending temple marriage is too important to you to tempt the devil in your sexy modest swimsuits you'll be wearing while holed up together eating chocolate dipped native fruits.

GladysIcanbee said...

Perfect timing since school has been in for a month now and it's time to plan those December weddings/Christmas engagements for April weddings. I'll forward this to my aunts to pass on to my cuzins coming home from their mish's soon.

Heidi said...

seriously, i just started reading this blog yesterday, and guess what?... i had seriously so blessed dreams last night! no joke, keep it up... luv ya!

Heidi said...

Just when I think that you've spoofed every possible thing, you find something new to send me LoL-ing! Great stuff, TAMN! I'm hooked.

Millionaire Mommy said...

Hi TAMN-
Hillarious as usual! Question: how many MLM's have you tried and failed? Love to hear your stories, as I'm sure being in Utah and being a 'sharp' person, you probably have home parties all the time!

The Parks said...

Tamn, I've been totally pouting since I learned I didn't win in your last giveaway...until I read this! Thanks for the laughs!

cheri said...

SERIOUSLY! Guys just need to shut up about their missions an take more pics with us!

chiropractor school as an acceptable back-up...you've really got it all pegged.

Chandler & Robyn said...

Awesome advice TAMN!! I am DEFINITELY going to pass it on to my bro-in-law. He is 25 and still not married!! I know...YIKES!! I hope he hasn't missed his chance. Frown.

Shari said...

I want to see the Twilight review too!

Tara said...

Don't forget that hotties like us, like RM's that get up and bear testimony so we can notice them. That is how my JJWT got all this sweetness. Also, don't forget to talk to our "sweet-spirited" friends to make them feel good (but not too much-don't give them the wrong idea that being sweet gets the JJWT). =)

Jason & Shannon said...

Get over twilight, it wasn't all that good. Besides, who has the time when your day is jam packed with pedi's and service?!

Jason & Shannon said...
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the white house said...

i take it back--THIS is my favorite post so far.

coriwes said...

TAMN, I gotta know. Where does my engineer hubby fit. He's not dental/medical/business/law but just as long in school and freakin good money.

The teaching/writing/cars wanna be poor and/or dirty doesn't fit him either.

And for those spelling Sara wrong. It's SARAH. That H is totally important baby.

Amy said...

I think that you are forgetting the MOST imprtant thing here--->the FAUX-HAWK!! FAUX-HAWK + Abercromibie= EQ Pres...Dont you think?

Heidi Ashworth said...

What I want to know is, what happens between the six-pack and when they become stake pres.--because, baby, you gotta know the six pack is way gone by then!

D. James said...

"six pack now --> stake pres later"... classic

Jenibelle said...

Thanks for our FHE lesson for next week. My 11 and 14 year olds NEED to know this.

April and Paul said...

Oh this is cracking me up! GA wife.... where do you get this stuff?