January 8, 2009

dAtInG aDvIcE: Tell-tell Signs Its Over

Ok so I highly shadowuvadoubt that this'll shock any of you but guess whose still spinsty? Poor Yvetters (suprise suprise, lol). Been trying way hard to talk her into taking one of those exclusive in-on-the-plan singles cruise's as a way fun slash desperate way to throw morals overboard for a week or two and get her flirt on...don't you think she should!? Sure, I encourage her tons and she basicly needs to take whatever she can get, BUT I also don't want her to date some looser. Therefore, for her and for all you other spinsties, I've compiled a few...

Tell-Tell Signs the Relationship's Croaked

  • His texts dwindle. Guys, seriously: if he loves you, he will text. Harsh but true: if he doesn't have what it takes to think about you all day NOW, what the crap is he going to do in the eternities?
  • He switches to a yawner car...if he ditches a hot Moabin' Jeep or big honkin hot truck for a Socialist Prius, RUUUUN. Unless of coarse you want a lifetime of wiping noses in nursery while the truck guys your friends married sit on the stand. Up to you I guess.
  • He rushes your primping. If he EVER seriously even HINTS at you speeding up your hottie routine, get out while you can bc he is obviously a way selfish jerk. How the heck is he gonna shell out for augmentation later if he can't even wait patiently now? If he's so shallow he can't even wait, I bet he never even got above district leader.
  • Remember, if he picks ANY jewlery without consulting you first, THAT IS NOT CUTE. IT IS DANGEROUS. Next thing you know he'll "suprise you" with some nasty ug cubic zirc and you'll spend the rest of your life fayning joy at every anniversary slash holiday pretending you don't wanna puke.
Anyways, once the relationship's croaked, cut the strings pronto. Unless you want to practice your stunned, face-fan "I-Can't-Believe-This-Is-Happening-Even-Though-We-Already-Booked-My-Parents'-Timeshare-For-The-Honeymoon!" proposal smile with a few different guys before the real thing. But once it's over, the choice is your's: either take the easy way (stop taking his calls and fadeout {heartless = hot}) OR the fun way (smooch his best friend). Trust me, either tactic works awesome.

Anything you marrieds wanna ad? Your welcome spinsties!! {pity pout}

63 comments:

Token Asian Friend said...

Fun way! Fun way! Fun way!

Kerry said...

Socialist Prius?

I love you.

Rach said...

i LOVED practicing my stunned proposal smile, too!!!

Steve & Alli said...

TAMN I just had a CRAZY flash-back to my YSA days... Oh I am so grateful not to be a spinsty- I was so close, luckily I got married before I turned 23- can you imagine getting married in your mid-twenties? Let's be honest you might as well make your hubs wear a shirt that says "She settled". I am sooooooo lucky we have an uber sexy japanese car AND a big truck- we are destined for the tippy top of the celestial kingdom!

keighty said...

When he tells you he thinks you'd look pretty without so much makeup, it's done. Over. Who knows? You could marry him, go through all of the trouble of making sure every tarantula lash is in perfect place, and then wake up in the wee hours of the morning to him attacking your perfect lids with cotton balls soaked with makeup remover! The mere possibility of that occurring means the trust in the relationship is shot, so bid the farewell then and not a second later.

Kristina P. said...

What do you think it means when your husband stops texting you? Hypothetically, of course. For a friend of mine.

And tell spinsty that cruises are one of the times when you can be not as modest and it's totally in The Plan.

Kristina P. said...

What do you think it means when your husband stops texting you? Hypothetically, of course. For a friend of mine.

And tell spinsty that cruises are one of the times when you can be not as modest and it's totally in The Plan.

Bree said...

Awesome! I LOVE the advice. Luckily I'm married... but if I needed the advice I would definately take the fun way out of any dating relationshiop! HA!

Matchbox Mom said...

I love you for posting and for being so unselfish to all those spinsty's...seriously who else is gonna help them...get going on the plan...sheesh.
You are my bliss...love you honey..

Tam

The Boob Nazi said...

This is SO MUCH better than "He's Just Not That Into You!!!!" Thank you!

Savitri said...

I am so blessed to have an e-BFF like you since I'm like totally spinsty. Seriously, hon, I'll be TAMNed if you're not the most charitable darling lil' angle out there!!!

christinediane said...

Um... thanks?

You can keep your ridiculous little frownsmile to yourself and stop torturing the "spinsties." Yeah, yeah, you're doing such a wonderful service by sharing this enlightening advice, but seriously... has it worked for anyone you've tried to help? Maybe that's not what Yvette is looking for.

As a mid-twenties spinsty in law/med/business/dent school, I, for one, am getting a little tired of this joke.

And yes everyone, I know this blog is satire. I guess I'm just in a bad mood.

ukyankoz said...

Kay, TAMN, you are SO SPIRCHUL to post about this now, because I have been so H-E-A-R-T broken cause my own Angelbuns only puts 2 X's (kissy kissy) on his texts to me instead of THREEE!!! Help me TAMNers - I swear I put on a WHOLE TUBE of mascara this morning and even added an extra color to my hair yesterday but it's not working!!! What do I do????

♥georgie♥ said...

I am so happy I am Married....lol...this was too cute

Sadie, Corey and Cailyn said...

Yeah, if my hubby WAS a member combined with his way bad a$$ truck, he would be BISHOP! And then he would call you too repentance...shame Tamn, Shame.

kris and judd said...

I got proposed to in my hubby's Hot Moabin Jeep! I love that you put that in there, because if he ever trades that in for yawner Socialist Prius, I'll never get to stare gazingly at my darling future bishop husband up on stand!

Do they have LDS singles cruises? I've heard of Church History Trips for singles, send her on one of those! That way, she'll be sure to end up with some hottie RM who is extra richous for learning all about gospel history!

Stephani said...

OH EM GEE. You are so richus. What a good friend you are. I have a problem. My spinsty friend is a NON-COMMITAL. Totally not living The Plan and PICKING ONE! She goes from on eto the next to the next. I keep giving her the frownsmile and saying: "how do you expect to multiply and replenish the earth BY YOURSELF??" Some people just dont get it. That's why we have you.

Nathan said...

TAMN like how are guys supposed to know it's over?!

Marisa said...

As a married, I must add, run the opposite direction if mentions any of the following in any conversation: computers, Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, WoW, or any other video game that is not Rock Band. You will spend a lonely life being second place to a machine. Trust me.

Cheri said...

Ok guys, spinsties aren't the joke, TAMN is the joke. I lurve TAMN advice. Good Gadfrey I love this blog. NEVER STOP.

Shlepn7 said...

Ditto to what Kerry said.

Sarah (Captain Ahab) said...

Um no. This is so out of line.

The spinsties should not be making choices about stopping a relationship by thinking. They should not be looking for red flags, common ground, or any traits at all.

The question is, is it "right?" After all, if it's "right" than you will feel in in the first couple of weeks. If you don't know by then, you'll never know. If it's right, it's right and you should go through with it no matter how much your mother is crying, how many pamphlets on co-dependence your friends are giving you, or how many assets of yours he has already appropriated.

And for some spinsties, it's just not in The Plan for them to get married. It's OK. We need them for when we want babysitters. If they're righteous, they'll like that and not cuss us out when we ask.

Dave and Catherine said...

"If he's so shallow he can't even wait, I bet he never even got above district leader."

LOVE it!

Jen Lee said...

TAMN you should totally go on the cruise with Yvette. That way you could show her how to wear a modest bikini and you would draw so much attention to the two of you (because of your righteous spirit) that eventually someone will notice Yvette. And JJWT will totally support you in this since it is a completely selfless service that you are performing. Just make sure to go somewhere hot so that you can wear all of your modest short shorts and halter tops since you are vacation. Start tanning now!

Chelsea said...

Kissing the best friend works ReAlLy well, and you just might get the better of the two (or group) if you try it a couple of times! I know I did! Plus if you end up with the better boy, he doesn't have any friends anymore=more time to spend worshiping you! Its totally part of the plan, didn't you know?

Mary said...

They should totally publish you advice into a newer-better version Youth Pamphlet!

Mike and Kari said...

Ok all you spinsties, I can't stress enuf how right TAMN is about your man's ride. I married an angelcakes with a big honkin' truck and we park right in the front of the church building every week just because we can. Who cares if I end up flashing all of the ward members as I climb up into the backseat to get our little dude out. It spices up Sunday a little. Plus, it lets the bishopric take note of how richus my hubby is. I swear, anyone who would drive a Socialist Prius just doesn't want to follow the plan.

Callie said...

TAMN, now I know that I have found my very own JJWT! My boy fits all your requirements, (I think, what were all your requirements for your own JJWT?) or at least he shows absolutely no signs of all the reasons for me to run! Plus, super hot off-roading truck to take me to romantic view-points!

Mina said...

You had me at socialist Prius.

Besides, people who understand the Plan only buy honkin' SUVs. That's what I have.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Oh yea...totally ditch him if he lets go of his gas hogger for a enviro friendly safe car, can we say EWWW! TAMN you are seriously so SMART! :)

Heart Mommy said...

Forget the spinsties,(sorry no afence) I wanna know how you sugar and spice up your totally fab life with JJWT. On a daily basis... Does he text all day. Do you make super-special lurver loaf. Or are you treating his "heart" right with organics? I know you make his lunch and pack it with little notes and sandwiches cut into heart shapes and B/G feti. But what else is there... Come on I am way selfish and want advice for me. A married.

Propagatrix said...

It's a very slippery slope from driving a socialist Prius to wearing mandals with sox and making a heffer-buying donation in your name as your "gift." Interveen at once!

Teri's Blog said...

"Marisa said... As a married, I must add, run the opposite direction if mentions any of the following in any conversation: computers, Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, ..."

Unless you are the spinster that likes SW, ST, and BSG. I will have to find the supermodel man.

Kari said...

No fence, but spintsies SeRiOuSly gross me out! i'M so glad i mArRiEd my hotty-mc-hott-hott husband when i turned NINETEEN!

p.s. puhLEEZE tell me yvette has AT LEAST read tWiGhLiGhT...i mean, frills, if that doesn't show her what love is all about THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL!

Heidi Ashworth said...

It would be so interesting to hear your advice about life after divorce. Not that you would know a thing about that--me either!! Still, I think you could have wayyyy fun with that. But only if it was Lynzii to whom it happened. Natch.

Kayleigh said...

I always wondered what was wrong with me. Haha. Thanks TAMNers...now I can totally become an un-spinstie.

kris said...

I highly shadowuvadoubt this blog could get awesomer.

kris said...

I highly shadowuvadoubt this blog could get any awesomer.

Matt and Jennae Porter said...

Smooch his best friend? HARSH, but works like a charm ;)

myimaginaryblog said...

Kristina P. said...
What do you think it means when your husband stops texting you?
----
It means he loves his work.

(That's what I tell myself. Actually I'm too old/my phone is too old to even know how to text, but that's what I tell myself when he doesn't read my emails. And I shoulda known it was coming (if only I'd had TAMN to guide me) when we were dating and I'd send him ten-paragraph emails and he'd answer with two sentences and think it came out even.)

But we also drive a minivan and a Toyota Corolla, so listen to TAMN, not me.

Amanda said...

What if your super Moabin' SUV is a hybrid? Does that fall into socialist or bishopric categories? I need to know asap!

The Singlutionary said...

TAMN. I would totally love it if you would nominate me as queen of the spinsties. I could totally organize a bunch of spinsties to go on a cruise together and we could get a discount. You could be our chapperone for free cause you totally invented the idea. I wil help the ladies get loose with their morals cause I am *gasp* not EVEN a member. Although for FHE, I always go shopping so that must count for something.

Rebecca said...

You are the fountain of perpetual youth, wisdom and advice.

You should also know that the website for The En-light-nd woman has a naked booty shot. Sure, she has a cottage-cheese fanny, but isn't that still a no-no? Or is it ok to show since it's not attractive?

Angela said...

Uh....christinediane you know be a "PA" is not the same as being in Med/Law/dental/biz school, right? Scrap being an "assistant" and go for the MD frills!

Heather said...

TAMN I wish I had you as my e-bff when I turned 24. I was so depressed about becoming a total spinstie that I flew to NYC for a weekend of shopping. Only if I had you as a e-bff earlier I would have known how to get a totally richus hottie that is in law/dental/business/medical school to send me on vaca with his student loans. I would have saved $1,500. furills... lots of shopping. Keep the advice comming, as a spinstie I need to know how to get a totally richus hottie.

CC said...

This is my first comment on this blog, but your tips are so right on! Lol!

Suzie said...

I can't wait 'til my HUBS makes it up on the stand! We're just so blessed that he's gone 3 nights a week for Elders! BTW, I think there should be colonies for Spinsties. Ew.

Kimberly said...

this blog is amazing, thanks for writing it. I have another thing to add to the list "If you have to try to talk the guy or girl into marrying you, IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK!"

It's incredible how many people try to convice the boy/girl-friend into getting married and convincing them of the AMAZINGNESS! You should blog about that.

Gordita said...

O to be as wise as TAMN. Then I culd serve and be selfless like she is. Pouty pout that I don't have all this wisedom to share with others. Thanx tamn for being so wunderfull.

Maja said...

MY fav way I broke with a guy in my pre-hub days was to tell him, "I have the PERFECT girl I want to set you up with..."! I mean if they don't get the hint that it is WAY over than, it's their fault.

tll said...

...."way fun slash desperate way to throw morals overboard"....just which morals are you talking about and just how far overboard are they supposed to be thrown?? Someone get me up to speed on this one please!!!! :)

GladysIcanbee said...

Ah Tamn, you're making me n'stalgic for the good old days in college (like 2 years ago) FHE, ward prayer, the spinstie FHE group...life is good.

Amber said...

Yes. She needs to go on that in-the-plan-garments-optional-single's cruise!

That wiping noses thing...classic. Yet another favorite post!

Amy said...

For the marrieds. Me and my hubs go on LDS singles cruises cuz they are way cheap and pretend we are single and we meet and fall in love just like on the Love Boat. And we have a moral transgression while on board ship that we will have to repent of later. get it?

Amy said...

For the marrieds. Me and my hubs go on LDS singles cruises cuz they are way cheap and pretend we are single and we meet and fall in love just like on the Love Boat. And we have a moral transgression while on board ship that we will have to repent of later. get it?

s.t.a.c.y. said...

Formula for the spinsties:

Take the number of times he calls you "choice" on the first date
{minus}
The number of years he has left to finish law/dental/business/medical school
{plus}
how many mission stories he awkwardly shares on the first date.

Now, decide how many more years of Young Single Adult dances, and frownysmiles from the marrieds you can take.
Multiply those numbers together...
and if the number you get is higher than your age you should prolly just marry him.

You're welcome.

Lyndsay said...

For all the non LDS spinsties out there, consider crossing over to the iron rod. I'm so happy I CTR'd and joined the Church when I met my hubby-to-be. Sigh. I totally stole my hottie right out from under the other returned-missionary-lovers noses. Us worldly girls gone mild are all the rage. ;)

Lizzen said...

Dearest s.t.a.c.y.,

WOW. That was awesome. Got any formulas for when it's time to have kids?

Jonathan and Jen said...

Sweet mercy.

My wife teaches elementary school. We're expecting our first. I sold alarms to pay for a ring. We used my parent's timeshare for a honeymoon. We start medical school this fall.

All true. I must be living the dream.

Diamond in the Rough said...

Sooo funny. I love the "socialist Prius" so glad I've never owned one of those. I'll stick with my smokin' hot Moabin' Jeep, thanks :)!!

D. James said...

One of the best yet!

James McOmber said...

"Already Booked My Parents' Timeshare For The Honeymoon" is pure gold, my friend. I'm surprised that you put the apostrophe in the right place, too.

sujata said...

Sooo funny. I love the "socialist Prius" so glad I've never owned one of those. I'll stick with my smokin' hot Moabin' Jeep, thanks :)!!