December 10, 2009

guys guide to perfect wife gifts

Hey everyone. It's me, JJWT. I'm pretty busy with law/biz/med/dental school. It's intense. Other guys always ask me for advice. Probably bc I'm ripped and also bc my wife brags about me tons. With holidays coming up, guys need all the help they can get. When wife is happy life is happy. That's so true TAMN stenciled it on the wall between my weights and gun case. I figured I'd share a couple tips. You're welcome.
  • Hit the gym. The best gift you can give your wife is a hot husband. When my pecs bounce she goes nuts. Seriously.
  • Whatever you buy, make sure it's full price. Sales look good, but don't do it. Trust me. If you didn't pay full price, women can smell it. Don't ask how or why. it's a fact of life.
  • Jewelry. Girls love stuff with meaning. So, make up whatever it's supposed to mean before you give it to her. This saves tons of time and helps you seem deep.
  • Clothes. Buying her clothes is dumb. Gift cards are better. It's how girls work. Let her shop her head off. If you pick something out yourself, you'll be sorry. If you insist on buying her stuff (but trust me bro, don't), always buy a couple sizes too small. Girls love that. The only exception to this rule is bras.
  • For reasons we'll never understand, redbox and pizza is unacceptable. I don't know why either, but they flip out every time. Even if they say it's okay, it's not. Seriously.
  • Spa stuff. This is tough. She probably wants a pedicure. However, she could lose it if she thinks you're hinting that her feet are gross. Same with salon stuff. She'll be all "You hate my hair don't you?" or "Are you saying I need a facial bc I'm zitty?" If possible, do a general GC for pampering. This you can always spin as less "Revamp those nasty toes" and more "You deserve a break, angel wife."
  • Vacations. First, call it a vaycay. I don't get why. Just do. She'll think it's cute you pay attention to her lingo. Second, you can probably get it for free with credit card points. TAMN racks up enough on my AmEx we get a free cruise every year. Do NOT let her know it's free. Tell her you had to work late for a month to pay for it. This is a great time to watch the R-rated movies she flips out about or else play Xbox.
  • In case of backfire: if she hates what you got her, don't panic. Twist whatever she screamed at you into something seductive. For example, she yells, "I am not wearing that in public!" You smile and say, "I never intended you to, baby." Pec flexing ensues.
This advice is subject to change and may not apply if your wife is ticked. That's your problem, not mine.

Happy holidays. Later.

(you can also see these tips in the November/December 2009 issue of Wasatch Woman Magazine)

56 comments:

Angela said...

oh my LOL

Anna said...

JJWT. Your a genuis. TAMNs a lucky gal.

KoOie said...

AwEsOmE!!! My JJWT always wins me over with the pec flex!!

kris... said...

I am so making my hubby read these... best advice from a guy ever!

Frau said...

Oh so true.

Also remember that if it has an actually use, it's not a gift.

Needs storage, get scorage! Booyah!

Macey said...

Gift cards are better. Let her shop her head off & Whatever you buy, make sure it's full price.

Awesome

Colt said...

I feel sick, but I totally relate to JJWT right now.

Amy said...

Holy crap this is priceless. My favorite post ever.

VikiViki said...

You nailed it there Mr. Pecs! Hahaha. Still laughing.

Moniker Challenged said...

Ensues, huh? I'd give a bloke married to a TAMN about 6.53% chance of using that one in a sentence. Spelling and punctuation also unrepresentative. Unless they've got a Westley/Buttercup kinda thing going on. Amusing nonetheless ;-)

Sarah said...

oh, i love this blog so much.

i love that jjtw has a gun case.

Megan said...

JJWT! You are soooooo funny. I want a hott bf just like you.

Rach said...

Gold. Pure, pure gold.

P.S. Moniker Challenged, JJWT is a great speller and has a vocab that blows TAMN's mind. He's in law/biz/med/dental school! Remember, HE'S book smart, SHE'S hair smart.

"Are you saying I need a facial bc I'm zitty?" might be my favorite line.

Heather B said...

Hahaha! Love this!

The Boob Nazi said...

The JJWT ones scare me more than the TAMN ones.

LauraLuv said...

JJWT I heart you!

thecapitall said...

Ahhhhh JJWT I MISSED Yooooooooou!

thecapitall said...

Ahhhhh JJWT I MISSED Yooooooooou!

Brynn said...

Not as good when it is JJWT ::frownsmile::

Sarah said...

Are you saying TAMN has nasty feet and acne?

Micah Goode said...

i am making my hubby read this... right. now. thanks JJWT! TAMN is so lucky

kris and judd said...

I think you need to hang out with my hubby to drop some of these hints like ASAP so my Christmas can be merrier. Maybe you can work out together by your "When wife is happy life is happy" sign?

Carolyn said...

this reminds me of my all-time favorite gift-giving advice for guys:

www.rinkworks.com/romantic

Laurel said...

Mwah! ha! What a gem!

brossettelewis said...

sweetie, your blog header broke!!! I'd get JWTT to fix it stat!

: ) Paula said...

Please tell me there isn't really a magazine called Wasatch Woman. . . oh my!

MaiTy said...

This is seriously my fav post of all time

Wordy Wife said...

Hmm, I love Redbox and pizza...

kris said...

LOVE. THIS.

Paula, not only is there a magazine called Wasatch Woman but our dear TAMN, I mean JJWT, is IN it...awesome.

This whole thing amazes me. I LOVE IT.

Kristina said...

Ever considered polygamy, JJWT? I'd want in. I mean, you're the guy that knows what all the girls really want and think. I'm just saying... it could be an option.

clan of the cave hair said...

If TAMN (or rather JJWT) contributes to Wasatch Woman, then does Annette contribute to Sasquatch Woman?

Kristen said...

this was hilarious. just freakin hilarious.

Anonymous said...

What a breath of fresh air - Tamn you have been sooo flat the last few months - this sparks with all of the charm of when you started this blog....

Loved this post!

T. Wimple said...

what the H is "wasatch woman magazine"?

Jennie said...

I'm so glad JJWT is as vapid as TAMN. It is good when couples are paired equally. :)

(I'm hoping your vapidity ensures you don't actually know the definition of vapid)

Miranda said...

Looks like Wasatch Woman magazine is real...

Somewhere in the world, Betty Friedan is doing a half gainer in her grave.

Emmy said...

Lol! Awesome awesome.

Shalyce said...

You are totally funny! But really, really wise. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, but especially for sharing your pecs... I mean heart.

Kayleen the Violinist said...

ROFLMBO

Alice said...

Oh my freak, JJWT You're a genius. But you forgot to mention how if you were actually a good husband, you'd take pictures of all the "cute" stuff she does. Frownsmile.

love, alice

Dorothy said...

"I never intended you to, baby"! I love it!

Anonymous said...

JJWT posts are ALWAYS my favorites. THANKS!!!!

Taunya said...

"when my pecs bounce she goes nuts"... I could read that all day. Awesome.

Dave and Sue said...

Actually, these JJWT posts make me smile a LOT. They hold too much truth.

Staci said...

niiiiiice. "You hate my hair don't you?"

Laughing!!

BrittanyG said...

pec flexing ensues? Beyond hilarious

The Redhead Riter said...

I think the perfect gift for me would be for my husband to not only pick up and clean up all the mess he makes, but vacuum, dust the furniture and wash the dishes more than once a year!

The Playin' Lakins said...

Actually I don't mind if my hubster buys me something on sale . . . cause with the money he saved on that he can just buy me more!

Renny said...

JJWT,
if I were married and my husband bought me a bra that was bigger than what I actually wear I'd punch him in the face.
Of course I am in law school so I am a sad frump.

Rachel said...

hahahaha! this may be my favorite post ever :)

Brooke said...

Miranda and Renny -- Can we be friends?? I would never have put Betty Friedan and half gainer in the same sentence, but the result is amazing. And from one law school frump to another, I totally agree.

vaxcel lighting said...

So funny~

Camels East said...

Brills, JJWT.

This was awesome.

But honestly, I'm scared of people like you.

Don't EVER be my DR/MD/DDS.

Jami said...

TAMN, this is divine. Let your hot husband know, would you? TY

April said...

*dies*...OMG...for real. This is my fave.

KM said...

this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read.

can we frame it?