August 10, 2010

dakota banning

Just to clear up, YOU GUYS DON'T BE GROSS, I AM DEFIANTLY NOT MOVING TO A DAKOTA. HubbyBunz got a killer law/biz/med/dental job offer and totally wanted to take it bc of all these "reasons" like it was some great opportunity and exactly what he wanted to do and tons of $, yah-da yah-da yah-da. Gag! Pretty much the only good thing I could think of is nevermind, I forgot. There probably wasn't one. Maybe a new calling, but we can get that just by moving. Or adultery. j/k! So I sat him down and gently explained:
  • No Costco?? *stunned blink of empty confusion* is that even possible? What do people do?
  • i CANNOT FUNCTION THAT FAR AWAY FROM FAMILY. Nevermind that some people call they're hub and kids they're fam, I mean my OWN family.
  • I don't CARE if house's are cheaper there, if no one sees it what is the point?? As a darling anon commenter mentioned "A McMansion in the middle of McNowhere doesn't rilly count for anything."
  • No Rio? I would literally rather die and just thinking about that do-it-yourself recipie depresses me.
  • I NEED BOTH GLAMMA AND QUEENIE LIVING IN MY SAME ZIP CODE OR ELSE I CANNOT GIVE BIRTH. simple as that. that's not me, that's nature.
  • No Anthro and Cheesecake? What am I, Omish???
IF and this is a ginormous IF we would ever move outta state for longer than a 3-mo internship slash summer sells assignment period, the only and I mean ONLY options I'd consider is AZ and CA, mayyyybe ID if I'm feeling poor and carby.

64 comments:

The Boob Nazi said...

Arizona is SO where you belong.

Kemi said...

"Omish". LOVE.

Frau said...

Wait, wait, TAMN? Did he seriously expect you to move there for long-term and forever? I had assumed with your last post that you were going to keep your house in Zion and come home when you need a visit - oh, say nine months out of twelve.

You would be one of those people who bear your testimony every fast Sunday about how much harder your life is because you don't have your husband with you. And the fast Sunday you are with him you can bear your testimony about how hard it is for you to live where you do with all those people in the ward that you refuse to get to know.

I hope you brought out your little girl pout when talking him out of it. The little girl pout just shows him how pure and clean you've stayed and that your intra-marital nuzzling hasn't gotten worldly.

A said...

What if it was somewhere with no Rio or Costco, but it was super classy and sophisticated and everyone wished they lived there?

Mhana said...

I'm soooo glad your committed to the Lord's three chosen states. Marital decisions should be joint , which means he can't do anything you don't want to do. Think how much harder it would be to go shopping with your mom on dad's credit card if you're far away and in a place that probably only has feed stores? Seriously, yucko. You probably didn't even need to pray about it because you KNEW it was out of your comfort zone and you want to stay close to and follow the comforter, which means never doing anything that isn't what you're used to! Good call!

thesinglesward said...

What McMansion...

Get a Mansion... a mansion in the middle of nowhere is good to stash cars, throw parties, and build a helicopter landing pad.

Hizzeather said...

Bah ha ha! Fave post evah!

MandB said...

"Carby" and "McNowhere"
HAH!

Cheryl said...

You would not believe--well, maybe you would--all of the condolences I received when I announced that my family (only husband and children) were moving to Virginia ten years ago. "Oh, they'll really appreciate a strong family like yours in the ward(?) (or do they have wards there? Branch?)" There is life outside I-15.

Brittany Ann said...

Um, agreed. Although, we could use your brand of smoking' hot righteousness in ID...and houses are super cheap here now, I got my Mcmansion for half of what it was worth...

The Queen Bee said...

Your own family!!! HAHAHA classic.

Shauna said...

TAMN. Think of all the standard-setting you could do in ND! You could really have some worldwide impact there - and I think they need you. Service with a smile and bling, don't you think?

Moniker Challenged said...

100,000 bonus points for the Idaho shout out. I'm sending all my spud love your direction.

Amy and Dane said...

Eewww, not Idaho. That is way worse than Dakota.

SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said...

Ugh..I don't even know how you could say AZ and CA in the same sentence! (I've lived in both.) AZ is literally hotter than H*ll (aka, the Telestial Kingdom).

Jessica said...

TAMN, there are like, a TON of saints in NV too!!! And then you could judge, I mean, motivate the sinners to be more ritchous, like you.

debbie said...

Even the Omish don't live in a Dakota. It's too remote.

Tiffany said...

Poor and carby!!! LOL! That is exactly how I feel every day living in Idaho!

Elizabeth Downie said...

Trust me, my friends out here (in Michigan) who are from Utah talk about "Rio" all the time. I definitely think it's too risky for you to move away from it. I think you made the right move staying in Utah.

Mary Jane said...

Phew!! That was a close one. Good thing JJWT rilly understands you!

me said...

Haha...carby...

Ashley said...

Poor JJWT.........I mean, how LUCKY he is to have such a wise wife as you who can bring him back to reality!

Rachel said...

You have become so much funnier since I moved "back east" to a ward comprised mostly of BYU-grads born and raised in Happy Valley. (We had a DIY Rio dinner at someone's house just this past week.)

Rachel said...

ADULTERY!! HAHAHA.

jdb in AZ said...

To SAHM who's lived in CA and AZ -- did you hear about the Phx guy who died and went to H#ll and had to send back for blankets?

Fer rills, when AZ people die they automatically go to the celestial kingdom cuz they've already lived through H#ll here on earth.

I'm naught overly thrilled with Aug in the muggy buggy desert, but our winter weather makes it worthwhile.

Janeal said...

Are you sure about that TAMNers? because you seem like the type of girl who would SOOOOO fit in with the glam of NYC, and who would make it your life goal to move there.

Sara Ann said...

You should move to Vegas. It's where all the cool Mormons are these days.

Laura said...

These are the precise reasons I must leave Utah. Except, my own family lives in Houston, but I have issues living too close to immediate family members, so I'll probably not be going back there.

Mom D said...

plz come to CA. Your so hot that all the gays would convert and be striaght. and then this prop 8 mess would be over.

Anna said...

PAHAHA! Indeed, how do the Omish even survive without restaurant chains? It's crazy, really. I think JJWT is so blessed to have your eternal perspective to guide him in his career decisions.

Jennifer said...

CA? Don't you mean Cali?

Kelly said...

Hang tough! He's married to you and you have your rights. Location Location Location~!

GladysIcanbee said...

I'll bet when you married studmuffin, you had your own special saying..."what's your is mine, and what's mine is mine..." Now that we've cleared up remaining in Zion, can we chat about the playlist? Not one song from an Osmond, even the less significant ones.

Penny said...

You are just too funny. I bet you gave your parents a run for their money when you were growing up, or were a constant source of entertainment. Your blog is pure joy. Thanks for sharing and making the world a more delightful place. Oh, and congrats on that baby.

Simplegirl said...

No kidding, location is important! Don't I know it. I have been married to a military man, so location isn't always the greatest. I'm currently in FL & so happy here, now we have to go to the middle of no where west of here. The only thing out there are cows & peanuts, seriously. Not looking forward to it. No offense to cows:-)

Carrie said...

tamn! your embryo is so cute already! i'm glad you're working so so so hard to give it a good life with a good start in zion!

Meg said...

Carby? Ha ha! Love it.

letter gal said...

Lovin' Shauna's validation with the terms "worldwide influence" and "Dakota" in the same sentence!!

Joanette said...

Do you really need to be validated...I was introduced to an amazingly awesome blog for the first time yesterday (tatertots and jello), but then I was told to look at this blog, because I was curious what the draw was and how amazingly sad it is... and "no draw here girlfriend"! This will probably be the first, only and last time I spend my value time, energy and effort looking at a mindless, ridiculous, pathetic blog as this. What's the point... and the fact that people look at "it" everyday. Wow! I grew up in California a non-member, moved to Utah, joined the church, and 17 years later, "I am so seriously blessed!". I can't imagine you would have any idea what that truly means. How pathetic that you spend your time acting and portraying yourself in a manner that is very sarcastic, which definitely is very obnoxious. Sarcasam belongs no where, and has no place in a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint's life. I heard a fantastic lesson on that very subject a few years ago, that being sarcastic brings you far away from the spirit. You certainly can't call it humor, because I know, as well as many other's of thousands of people know what authentic humor is, and this is not funny, hilarious or entertaining. Is this why you hide yourself when being interviewed publicly? I found out that was the case from my friend, when I looked at this blog yesterday. I will not grace your prescence again, ever, so good luck with what you think is entertaining, and for all you so called LDS women out there that choose to associate yourselves with such a website should be ashamed. All bishops and leaders of the church would be disappointed, and would not condone this sarcastic, obnoxious, worthless conduct.

Oh, and Arizona and California wouldn't want you, and I'm wondering if "UTAH" had a choice if it would want you either...CTR
Forever a cool Cali native gal!!!

Angenette said...

poor and carby. HA!

Mom D said...

Weather you live by Hill Filled or the Hill Kimora, I know youll follow the plan and share you're beaty and riotousness will all you influience.

The Cook Nook said...

OH TAMN! You are making the right choice!! I grew up in ID and then I got richer and went on South Beach and moved to AZ! Love it here! TOTALLY have a nice McMansion and lots of people ACTUALLY do see it. Good picks of places to live. But I would totally rule out the ID thing. Poor = no fun. And the jobs there ALL make you poor. Love!! Holly

Little GrumpyAngel said...

Move to California. Lots of Mormon girls here who wear modest bikinis like you and nobody bats an eye except for hard-core one-piecers raised by members of the bishopric wives club. We also have lots of McMansions on foreclosure so they're very affordable! You could move to my neighborhood since we're 5 minutes from the mall with a Tiffany's, Coach and Louis Vitton. And yes, of course, we Have Cheese Cake Factory close to a Nordstrom. You could be the token white blondie friend in my culturally diverse posse. :-)It would be sooo educational for you and great for your eternal progression!

H said...

TAMN - I think you're setting a bad example with you floating fetus. It has a tail...and we don't believe in evolution.

Remember, we must always avoid the appearance of evil, just like how we're not supposed to drink apple juice out of a wine glass...but I digrest.

Little Lovables said...

you could totaqlly franchise and open a rio and cheesecake co out there, then everyone will come to your mcmansions and glorify you for sure. then. all the saints will flock there, think of all you could do for the region! plus, anthro is totes online!

Kate said...

Omish. Wow. Love it. And ID rocks. You should totally move to Rexburg. You'd fit right in. It's Mormon Bubble to the extreme.

chubs said...

Fascinating insight into the kind of communication between you and Jjwt, Tamn.

Lots of love on this already, but I have to jump in too: "poor and carby." How I feel every day.

The next best part of this post was the long, preachy, angry comment. We happy readers are long overdue for one.

jane dough said...

Gasp! You were kidding about CA, right? I mean, you know that all us members out here are all liberal, psuedo-members, right? And liberal=evil. Trash the planet, it just is going to come back during the milenium-thingy, right? Besides, CA is so evil, it is totally going to fall into the ocean any day now.

mercyorbemoaned said...

I'm not sure how not wanting to move thousands of miles away from family when you're pregnant and have very young twins is somehow as hilarious as not being able to imagine life without Costco. Parody fail, TAMN.

Julie said...

hey! don't diss Idaho! ^^

Julie said...

Hey! Don't diss Idaho!! ^^

marilynl said...

"What am I, Omish?" LOL!

Laura said...

"Poor and carby!" So funny! BTW, I live in CA and we so need someone like you here to help show us the way spiritually and fashionably. Talk about an opportunity for service!

Laura said...

Never mind Joanette. This blog would be classified as satire not sarcasm. It's what Dickens is revered for!

Sarah said...

Okay, I {ToTeS} cant decide which make me lol harder - the people who think your rill and get mad or the people who are all Judgy McJudgy and get mad. Tough call!!! :)

Little Lovables said...

Wowzers, Joanette sure is one self-righteous! Reminds me of a couple of family members who tried to have another family member excommunicated for barely losing his temper one time, and now posts on their facebook how spiritual they are!

Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal said...

No Cosco and no Rio?! You can't live without those things. I'm sure that's pretty much breaking a carnal rule or something.

Kathryn Sabria said...

"Mayyyybe ID if I'm feeling poor and carby."
Hahaha!!! OH my gosh. So funny, so true.

taggdarci said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily said...

taggdarci - it's not just sarcasm. It's satire. TAMN mocking Idaho is the biggest compliment the author of the blog could ever give to that state. TAMN made fun of me once, and it made my week.

You do understand that this is a fictional character, right? That there is not woman named Tiffany/Amber/Nicole/Megan who can't figure out what high-paying career her husband is going into?

Just checking...

Sarah said...

Okay, it's the people who think you're real. Those are my favs. And to think I couldn't decide!

kits54 said...

I read that per capita, ID has more millionaires than any other state!
Being from ID and not knowing any, I'm skeptical. Ever notice how SO many people are FROM ID?

Bevan said...

I like how you picked ND, the only State that is running a surplus instead of a deficit. This truly shows that you keep up with the current financial news. I used to thinkyou read other's blogs and made them more embarrasing, but now I think you actually are brilliant.

PS - My sister, (who I swear you have read at least) once used the line - "If Disneyland and REI had a baby, it would be my neighborhood." I was like, "well, I guess she is reading your blog as well."

PSS - CO has Cafe Rio, but it might be to lefty for TAMN.

: ) Paula said...

carby!!!! : )