Posts
To snag your own JJWT:
Do's:
- Mascara, mascara, mascara. When ppl say you have tarantula eyez, it means your SO hot even a hairy spider couldn't resist! Dang!
- avoid wearing sweats, BUT, if you're gonna wear sweats, MAKE SURE there is something sassy written on your bottom.
- TEXT IN CHURCH. This will make you look even cuter and way less boring...if you can do this with tonz of gum, EVEN CUTER!
- put out...not tonz (HAZARD IN THE HORIZONTAL!!) but definately enough that they can taste your lipsmackers, which should be either super-shiny berry or Dr. Pepper flavored. Trust me, guys HEART that.
- Make SURE (DEAD SURE, canNOT emphasize this one enough) you have a darling mom. Guys scope HER out to gauge your FP so nothing personal but the two of you might want to get a buddy pass at Golds. In a pinch, borrow a friend's cute mom. Had to do this with JJWT for like three months while my mom had weird adult acne. Remember the rhyming mantras: "if I'm to find my EC, it is up to me. It's not a lie if it catches the guy." Repeat thrice, preferably in the meer with a hand on your hip.
- do NOT wear long sleeves. Seriously, they make you look uptight and like forty. Cap sleeves are best, TRUST ME, way more shaved-arm available to tickle in movies.
- do NOT get a short haircut and/or make your hair one color (BOAR-RING!). Long and multi-colored is your best bet (but, don't bet, it's practically porn).
- WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GO TO MORE SCHOOL, unless you want people to start calling you Yawnette. Think about it! Serious! How often do guys whistle and yell "Nice degree!" or shake there heads and say "What adorable knowledge"? EXACTLY.
88 comments:
I'm one of your blog stalkers! I loved this post! Hilarious!!!!!
I got a good laugh from this....THANKS!
AWESOME ADVICE!! good thing i'm taken, sounds like a lot of work!
Boyz also really love extra white teeth, like so white they're blue.
Don't forget leggings. They totally show off your cute legs. And boyz love it when you wear them to church because you look so cute and trendy.
And, smellin' good is high up on the list, too. Be sure to carry yummy smelly lotion (specially Bath & Body Works or Victoria's) with you at all times so you can whip it out and grease up those darling petite little hands and forearms. And the body sprays work great... helps get that yummy smell all over your skinny body. The more smelly the better... you can never over do it!
And remember ladies, push-up bras (or actual surgery if your mom will pay for it) is a must. And flaunt it while you can, before the pin-tuck era begins.
Good thing I got my JJWT because I have short one colored hair and a Master's degree. I also rarely wear mascara...I'm BORING!
By the way, my brother Brian is one of your friends on Facebook.
I am sooo gonna share this with my single friend. I saw her the other day eating ALONE and READING A BOOK! How sad! She could learn a lot from you!
I also advocate putting up a picture of someone totally hot on your online profile (not that I would ever advocate doing anything like that, since I care about my salvation), pretending to be you, like Amy Winehouse, pre-crack, or Tori Spelling, pre-manstealing hussie. If your potential JJWT is a righteous guy, he will not know who they are.
And fortunately, my hubby only cared about my breast FP, which was really high. He proposed on the spot.
When I was a 21-year-old Old Made, I caught my JJWT by wearing to church the skirt-and-supertight layered shirt combo, the kind that shows your mid-section (and the back of your modest thong). MODEST *IS* HOTTEST!! I topped it off with a french manicure and a pair of large white sunglasses (so cute boys couldn't tell I was checking them out in sacrament meeting!). And I only dated boys in law school or med school (Cause you marry who you date!)
PS: I can't believe you said "porn"!! First you said (.) and now this. GROSSSS!
Oh my gosh, this is the best advise eveeerr!!!! I'm totally heading to Nordie's right now to get all new cap sleeve shirts to replace my BOARING long sleeves. Such a good idea! No wonder im still singel!!! But that's shore to change after I follow this advise!
You are a genius!!! I couldn't heart this blog more.
And remember girls... When you're kissing your man in the car, and you see a caffeinated beverage can, be sure to immediately put your shirt on and exit the car! You can't have that!
CLASSIC POST!!!!
...and I'm still laughing everytime I glance to the right and see the phrase "JJWT and Me's Baby"
So then my cellulite isn't the only thing to blame?
I'm afraid all hope is lost for me. I'm seriously, so blessed that I get to experience the blessedness you get from your JJWT.
*cries in a corner*
What is FP?
I'm so sad for Yvette cause she's gong to be 20 soon and it's practically hopeless then.
I totally wish I had your tips when I was trying to snag me my JJWT. Then it wouldn't have taken me so long to get married. I'm so embarrassed to say we knew each other a WHOLE 3 weeks before we got engaged! I bet if I had extensions he would have proposed sooner.
FP= Fat Potential.
THAT was the funniest thing I think I've ever read. Whoever you are, you're brilliant and you should be famous. Like me.
And, you need to bear your testimony about how you love your roommates.
And cry so you look super spiritual.
But not too much, so you don't ruin your mascara.
wow that was so wrong it made me laugh at the girls that think that'll actually work!
Most brilliant post in the last couple weeks. Thanks for the laughs. Can always use more of those.
Ok, you don't know me and I found your blog and I must say a few things about your post. First, tarantula eye, is a NO NO. I am in the beauty industry (as well as my family) and you absolutely don't do that. If you have to cover up all your beauty with make up, you must be insecure.
Don't text during church, that means you are there for the wrong reason, not attractive. What is so important in your life that you can't take 3 hours out of your week to put down the cell phone.
If they guy you are dating is shallow enough not to like you because how your mom looks, then you are dating the wrong guy. Second, if you are a shamed of how your mom looks then you are to shallow.
There is nothing wrong with long sleeves. Focus on other things, really.
Short hair is really cute on people. Having short hair shows that you have personality.
Education is sexy. Education show a strong independent woman and any guy that doesn't like that is just a chauvinistic pig that can't handle a woman who can debate him.
I love this post. Thanks for not EVER going private so I can stalk your AWESOME so cute life.
I have to admit that I am pursuing higher education---but I think it goes with my image: I do the sexy librarian thang with gray sweaters and short skirts. Not too short--don't wanna share my g's. But short enough to stimulate the imagination. That and my chunky eyeglasses simply do wonders.
Have you ever gone Sexy Librarian? SO FUN.
I should also say that in that comment I didn't mean it in a mean way, I am so not a mean girl, those were just my personal opinions. I do respect yours though. I like giving a different point of view.
http://www.answers.com/topic/parody
You forgot big hair, the bigger the better.
CRAP!
Do you think they'll take back my degree if I ask all NICER?
P.S. If people call you a Tammy Faye it's because you looks so AWESOME with your HOTT makeup!
Oh my gosh TAMN, Thanx sOOooOo much for this post, I have been doing everything wrong! I'm starting my masters in a month but you seriously just saved me from making the biggest mistake of my LIFE.I'm gonna quit that ugly idea and just devote my time to my scrapbook. Also I'll get extensions, fake bake till I resemble the brown leather seats of the escalade I will now be buying, and restrict my reading to people magazine and high school vampire love novels. You are so inspired, like, really, what would we do if you weren't seriously so blessed!
does JJWT have any brothers? Just wondering...
Good thing I already have my JJWT, b/c my J.D. would NOT be at ALL helpful in getting me a hubby! I mean, I just went b/c my womb is not as blessed as yours, so I thought this would distract my in-laws, but I see now that I was the one who got distracted. All this focus on books and trying to look smart, and boys don't even LIKE smart! What if my JJWT doesn't want me anymore?
That's it - I am going out RIGHT NOW to buy me some EXTRA EXTREME SUPER FABULOUS mascara. No more BOARING days without makeup (gasp! - I know, can you believe how far I've fallen)! And I definitely need to go shopping for a few sexy cap-sleeve tops.
Good thing we are such GREAT FRIENDS, b/c I don't know WHAT I would do without you! If I'm super-lucky, maybe you will come shopping with me, so I can learn more from your super-righteous man-catching (and keeping!) ways!
Luv ya!!!!!!!
Yeah, totally good thing I already found my JJWT.
But about the school thing--college can be a totally awesome place to meet guys. (Found MINE there!) It doesn't really matter what you're "studying" as long as you go to FHE group to see all your cute "brothers" and you wear lots of mascara!
Come on sheldonandjulia (if that is your real name)...
Yes! I love when girls who were married as teenagers give me advice on how to catch my EC. You are obviously so much more righteous than me.
I think I'm going to have to make a cute little sign with that motto--written in sparkly gel pen and lots of stickers--to remind me where my priorities should be.
"It's not a lie if it catches the guy."
That is SO TRUE!!!! Guys are notorious for not knowing what they want. So it's up to US to pretend to be what they THINK they want and then give them what they ACTUALLY want after you get married.
Oh how I wish I had thought of this blog first. I am totally envying your popularity. Could it be, darling TAMN, that you are really one of us single Mormon girls poking fun at all of the things we laugh at? Don't tell me if I'm right. I'd rather believe that I am. I haunt/heart your blog. Thanks for the giggles.
Julieandsheldon: I choose to believe that you were totally joking. If not, then I choose to believe that you are slowly starting to realize why everyone is telling you that you must be joking.
Poor Sheldonandjulie.
Great advice TAMN! So glad I don't need it since I already have my eternal squeeze. And I'll just ignore that "forty" remark-- afterall, it's the "new thirty" you know!
These comments are almost better than the post. Especially the people who think it's real....
My bishop told me I was sinning by actually pursuing my degree rather than just trying to get married. He said I was undermining the eternal plan, you know, because I only have like another 20 years of fertility.
But I'm so blessed I found your blog TAMN, cuz now I'm going to go buy some super cute cap sleeve shirts that show off my way cute fake back tattoo, and maybe I'll be able to snare my JJWT before my ovaries dry up.
So it sounds like Sheldonandjulie has no objections to "Juicy" sweatpants.
Phew! Those are my favorite. Nothing sexier than some sassy writing on the bottom. WRRRROOOORRWWW. (that's the sound of a purring tiger.)
Hey Sheldonandjulie, some advice for you dear:
Take a look at the sidebar, right under the baby countdown ticker.
That's funny, my JJWT BEFORE our first date, said to me, "Whoa...Nice DEGREE baby!!!" In fact, I was worried he just liked me for my degree for a while. I realized if I wanted my own piece of "we are a happy family" then I needed to step it up a bit. I followed another piece of your tried and true methods for snagging my JJWT and put on the capped sleeeves and got blonde highlights and hair extensions and then he was ALL mine honey- he was like "WHAT degree?" and "lay more of that DP sugar on me!!" Thanks for the advice- women all over the valley are thanking their lucky stars...and their Wet and Wild mascara for you!!! Those of us with a degree are just grateful for those like you who share your wisdom and insight- where would we be? I'll tell you where- ALONE sister- ALONE!
TAMN, there is no greater compliment available to you than when people think this is the real deal.
In high school I had a glow in the dark sign made of hunter safety tape that said "HAZARD IN THE HORIZONTAL" hanging on the ceiling above my bed as a reminder.
Ok, I am really laughing right now! I love it when I have dumb moments. I am SOOO glad that it was a joke. When I was reading the post I was thinking "MAN this CAn't be real". I must apologize if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to and NEVER want to. Everything has been so off since having my baby. But I do believe in the things I said. I do like your blog though. Again, I am sorry for offending.
Tarantula? Tarantula?! Oh, you mean tri-antula!!
Such good advice. But it is so much work. Makes me glad I've found my EC already so I don't have to try anymore. Because really, sweats to the grocery store and Crocs to church are just so comfy!
:)
One more suggestion: If you go on a mission that's totally okay. Just make sure everyone thinks that you're going because you want to, not because you "have to".
Renee-
I have to totally disagree- if you went on a mission NEVER talk about it. No guys think Returned Missionaries are hot.
The thing about missions is that you need to be RILLY impressed by a guyz mission, and the more familiar you are with that world, the less realistic your gasps of awe will be when he tells his own mission stories. So only go if you can keep up the worshipful gaze when you get home. Honestly, (s)assy messages on your bum is a lot easier than nylons for like 1.5 years.
Spray-on tan, check.
Bleach trays, check.
XXS cap super tight t's, check. Hair extensions, check.
Mascara & gloss, check.
Cell phone, check.
Sooooo ready and hittin' it hard this Sunday! All you RM's with your little faux-hawks better look out! Thanks TAMN! You couldn't rock more if you tried!
Okay, but truly, the saddest thing for me is how some of these single girls actually THINK they're happy because they don't know how blessed they'd be to have a marriage like y'all's. For rill.
I don't think I could have been a missionary. I just couldn't get into the whole white-ankle-socks-clunky-shoes-and-dress combo. (EW!)
Oh, and I think the only time you should tell a potential JJWT that you have a batchelers digree is when its in early childhood development! (Cuz that is SUPERCUTE and tells him that you are SO ready to be a mommy!
PS: Sheldonandjulie, I wouldn't apolligize for offending everyone. We wouldn't want this to turn into another Fast & Testimony meeting!!! (Those are SO boar-ring!)
I seriously cannot believe how unrighteous I feel right now. I mean my sister is 25 and JUST got engaged and I was so FUR SHURE that she was going to be an OLD MAID 4-EVER!! I did not share these secrets with her and now I feel like I need to repent. Thank you for being so Christ-like and pointing out the OBVIOUS!! Thank goodness my sis finally found her EC!!!
Dang (oh my gosh, can I say dang here?)I knew that grad degree was a bad idea. It explains so much.
Maybe I should have it reversed.
I haven't been texting in church... that MUST be why my boyfriend won't propose! That and the fact that I don't wear mascara and I have a degree. Now I know what I've been doing wrong all these years! Sad!
Now I finally know what I've been doing wrong. And I definitely need to work on my hot spelling - doing it right is so BOAR-RING!
Thanks for the tips!
Hey, thanks for not thinking I am the dumbest person to ever walk the earth. Even though I have dark hair now, I still have blond moments. oh well, I have learned to laugh at myself. I love your blog though, I am going to add you to my list because you are funny, if that is ok?
You forgot the most a key element.
Ratting your hair as high as possible and then spraying with maximum hold hairspray so it won't move for the whole night. Hair going flat can ruin a relationship like that *finger snap*. Trust me, I know.
As much as I adore your advice, TAMN, I'm gonna have to disagree with you about the hair. Lotsa hawt guys love short hair because it makes your neck look more kissable.
Why did you leave out this one? Oh my gosh. Get yourself to Macey's and pick up as many Betty Crocker brownie and cookie and whatever mixes you can find. Frosting, too, maybe. Bake your cookies, letting the smell waft out. (Be sure to have yummy Victoria's lotion on and shiny, shiny lip gloss, like we've said, so you're prepared.) Now just wait for your EC to arrive. To help it along, hold your front door open and swing it back and forth a little, with your apron on, of course--clean, matching with whatever you have on. After that, put the cookies on cute little plates and with your scrapbooking supplies, make notes like "your my spiritual [muffin, sweet cake, etc.]" and then bring them around. Only bring them to the EQP and other guys in church leadership positions--if they're not in those positions, so not spiritual. But totally don't act like you're doing it on purpose. Oh my gosh, yes, put on fresh mascara right before! I almost fergot.
You go, TAMN! Best advice. You are so totally in-tune.
I'm so way sad for sheldoandjulie. She is so NOT in tune. I'm sure your inspird wisdom will help her unspiritchulness from spreading unritchusness all over your blesst blog.
Seriously!!!
Freaking sweet blog! I just found it! For real, everything you said is SO true! I love the sarcasm!! And I love that u-r-a-q-t brought up the faux-hawk! Classic!!
I think you should start your own photography business. ALL my friends are doing it, and I think it's a great way to support your little family on the side. You know, weddings, babies, families.
I mean, anyone can take a picture, right?
i hate the song "bubbly" more than anything on this entire planet!! I mean i know i just wish i was like every single other "cookie cutter mormon mom" seriously, i cant even handle it. it is the worst song in the world!! and I swear, EVERY single mormon mommy blog has it on their page. lets not get crazy here and be original.. original thoughts.. songs.. backgrounds. no- lets all look the same, act the same, be the same, and brag about how dang cute our kids are! that we could just eat them right up! k people, really, we know their cute- no one really wants to see 10 billion pics of your little kiddo though. promise. ok thanks TAMN i just needed a minute to vent. you know.. take a little ME Time. LOVES!!! XOXOXOXOXO.
hahaha i hope every "mormon mommy blogger" reads this. and then calls all 30 of their closes girls pals, and totally plans a GNO so that they can talk about how this blog like totally makes fun of all of them.. and how they really or original. were just picking on them because we wish we were like them! i'd rather hang off a cliff by my toenails. thanks again!!!!! wanna do a GNO sometime next week?? I totally need a PEDI!!!
I think I totally understand my little sister's shaved arms now. And the blatant "I don't give a shiz" attitude toward bikinis and immodesty. Thank you for enlightening me. And I will forever be a faithful reader of your blog.....I swear, I wish I had thought of it first..... I'm a Utahn born and (mostly) raised, and even I cannot understand the mutation that young adult women have undergone in the last decade that I've been gone.
I never thought I'd say that I feel more normal living in California than I ever would living in Utah.
I spent the first five years here, pining away for Utard, and the last five I've spent resolving that I'll never move back.
(Except to St. George when I'm 65, bc they still have palm trees there and In-N-Out Burger.)
Keep up the great work....you've captured every beef I have with this generation so precisely!
My friend just forwarded your blog to me -- amazing!!! I have a request -- can you make a t-shirt that says "I went to BYU to get married and all I got was this stupid t-shirt"? We've been talking about it for years and I feel it's time for it to hit the market.
Okay, this is one of the best posts EVER. What I love is that TAMN's hilarious but not bitter...she IS a mommy blogger and (I could be wrong) this seems to be a sharp but kind-hearted funny jab, NOT ANGRY. Heart you TAMN. Thanx for your compassion toward to the singletons...love you!
You are so SmaRT!
THaNK you for alLOWING me to visit my SILs blogs and yours and to get TOTALLLY confused where I AM?
Darn my MASTErs DegrEE and my SIX FiguRE (OH MY HECK) income. Would I ever find My EC withOUt your sooper sweet tips?
Bless YOu!
Its soooo nice to read about your wonderful bless-ed life! It helps soothe the pain of eviction from my rental since my landlord stopped making his mortgage payments. I feel uplifted knowing that u r safensecure in your seriously, so blessed life!
TAMN- Sweetheart where have you been? Eyelash EXTENTIONS! They're like acrylic nails for your eyelids! Seriously, the most fabulous invetion since Splenda. You can even get them made super thick and super long.
You have doe like eyes 24-7.
You're welcome sweetheart.
Just hilarious. Good writing ;)
Oh Allison, you are so misguided. How dare you tempt the young men with a bare neck...necking is a definite "no, no". I suggest you reread your "Strength of Youth" pamphlet. I'll pray for you.
TAMN, I'm glad you "put on the brakes" in your make out sessions with JJWT by having long, poofy hair, and I'm glad your relationship turned into more than just a NCMO.
I'd also like to add that it's helpful when you meet a guy to talk about how you feel like you met him somwhere before. Guys TOTALLY appreciate that. They are also really turned on if you tell them how you really want to have lots of kids.
Oh TAMN,
Soo super greatful that I read this post today. I was just about to get a couple inches off my hair.
Obdviously a no no!
I'll grow it out and get some cute multi-colored highlights instead.
OMG TAMN, Im soooo sad for Yvette!!! Im gonna put her name on the prayer role at the temple. I think Ill fast for her 2morrow to because I need to loose a couple ell-bees if ya know what I mean!!! I just hope she finds a guy as CUTE and HOTT and PERFECT as your JJWT so she doesnt have to go to law school or go on a mish instead. That would be such a tragidy!!! Anyway, loves you and JJWT!!! Your so totally MFEO!!!!!!!!
Another don't:
Do not regale PH (potential husband) with tales of your thrice previous stints in treatment.
Apparently, it's a turn off.
Luckly, my hubb-meister gave me a 2nd (and all the way up to 110) chances. He saw a diamond in the rough!!
Oh and can I just say I sure do enjoy an LDS sista who lives, well...I won't give away where you live...near the amazing yours truly? And, you have satire for a BFF, loves it! Satire isn't my BFF per se, but he/she/it(?) is my DDF (dear dear friend.) Blogging is super fun!
Laters!
brilliant, TAMN. i am a HUGE fan. :)
THAT'S why I snagged MY JJWT (aka.. Jaren). My hair was long! I just cut it all off, but it doesn't matter cause I can get all fat and ugly and short haired cause he's stuck with me! Ah ha haha. You should post about what you can let go when your married and your JJWT can't get out of it without having to talk directly to the general authorities. Just so I can be sure of what I can and can't let go of!
Yup, you're funny.
FABULOUS!!!!!!
Guys have FP too. (Hey that could be on a t-shirt). Also, I'm saving up my pampered chef money for a breast augmentation....wait.....is that the one where they make em bigger? Well anyway, I'm surprising my hubby for our six month anni!! You guys should do it too.
You are so right about all of it!!! and beyond hilariaous. I'm adding your blog to my favs. I found you through a friend who blogged that we all had to read this post and my gosh you made my nite. Thanks!!! Congrats on the baby. I'm on my fourth baby and still have long multicolored hair just for my man!!! I think that's why I'm prego with my fourth.
So, this confirms all that I've been told about the majority of Mormon girls. You are dishonest (Using a friends cute mom? And "it's not a lie if it catches the guy"?) moronic (learn to spell, for crying out loud), disobedient to their own religion (I believe your prophet encourages getting an education); vain (something sassy written on your bottom); and self-righteously hypocritical (it's not okay to bet, according to you, but it's okay to lie, if it suits your purposes.)
Texting in church? WHY DO YOU FLAUNT A RELIGION THAT YOU DON'T RELIGOUSLY FOLLOW??
If you don't live with your religion, you don't deserve to catch a husband who does.
Aubrey, I believe she is being very sarcastic...really! I have to say, very funny post!!!
thank you so much tamn! im starting to hit the dating field in may, whoo hoo!
TAMN = serious comedic brilliance. This is not my first time to your blog, and certainly not my first time to this post...though this is the post I was introduced to years ago. I just had to come back for a good laugh. Dang girl, you are hilarious.
Oh my gosh. "basically the opposite of my favorite hymn"? Genius.
"don't bet, it's practically porn" and "What adorable knowledge" are also pretty GD amazing.(gosh darned)
Post a Comment