November 18, 2008

fall for anything!

My spinsty friend Yvette and me had the best lunch date ever yesterday...feels like its bin forever! Missed her face so bad!! Seriously, so impressive that she still hangs out w/ me even though must be hard for her, seeing my way fun life compared to her bummer existence. SUCH a great example of persevering up a dreary life hill.

Lunch was way fun. She tried to order an appetizer AND her own entree (oink! :) j/k, cutie) so I intervened and got us a salad, ahem, to SHARE. Told her all sincere, "Sweetie, if you EVER want things to change, you gotta want it," then looked at her bum for a sec til she got the pitcher. LOL! So greatful to have a freindship that --> a literal ton of patients. Swear I've tried and tried to help her in the dude department but noooo, she stubbornly remains as hopelessly spinsty-frump as EVER. Remember my awesome advice to her?? Ignored! Made me pinkie swear not to tell a soul, but since this IS my journal and not that many people read it, here goes, but if you see her though, totally act natural.

Anyway, good news (for once) is that she somehow conned some hottie into taking her out, TWICE. SHRIEK!

Way to go frumpers, right?

NOT. She thinks maybe she's "not interested" bc yeah he's hot but also "shallow," she says.

(eyes roll w/ exascperation)

(gentle patience-summoning yoga exhalation)

COME ON, SPINSTY.

a) Can you rilly afford to be THAT picky at this point? Your almost done with college, seriously, just take what you can get, and b) at least he's hot. Would you rather have someone "interesting" but ug? Do you really want to throw up in your mouth for ETERNITY??

Anyways, she kept yapping about how he couldn't carry on a convo, his hummer's obnoxious, his pants shouldn't be tighter than hers, why the H was he wearing sunglasses in Nov anyway, the enormity of his neck vains weirds her out, how he laughed when she said she liked school, how he's emotionally thirteen, blahblah. Talk about a PICKY PATTI! Anyway, in true not-exactly-a-shocker-she's-a-spinsty fashion, she told me she finds adorable stuff like his freak-you-out-huge torso and shelacky hair gel WEIRD. Um...since when is AWESOME weird??

Obviously, she needed one of those friends who just tells it like it is, eye ee, me. I told her she needed to snag the hottie ASAP or she'd end up a perma-spinst or just as bad, having to WORK all the time w/ some serious, scrawny schoolteacher of a hub who sure, thinks and reads and stuff, but NEVER wears aqua digio and can't even AFFORD embroidered pocket jeans. Do you want a boat or not?? She snapped back that she just wanted someone "mature."

Yawn.

Remember, guys: stocks mature, not dudes.

62 comments:

Kamity said...

The way she talks about him, I'm surprised Spinsty let this guy take her out on TWO dates!! I guess she's just taking advantage of the free dinners. You should talk to her about that ... not good for the bum, and therefore not good for catching her own JJWT.

Kerry said...

"Um, since when is AWESOME weird?"

snort.

Love you.

Barton Family said...

Oh poor Yvette..when will she understand the true meaning of life and just start following the plan? Poor Yvette

Rach said...

Poor girl. Doesn't she know? ALL dudes are emotionally 13.

Hope she's not still thinking about a...(shudder)...MISSION.

Lisa and Brian said...

I couldn't agree with you more, TAMN. You gave her a bumload of rilly good advice. Now it's up to that old spinsty to listen to the voice of reason.

Cheri said...

Haha! What is with people saying "miss your face"? I've noticed that a lot lately. Every detail, TAMN.

Amy said...

Stocks mature, not dudes. Best. Advice. Ever.

Melanie J said...

If this slice of hotness can afford embroidered pocket jeans (and not the Wranglers, talk about mouth vomit) and he's smart enough to wear them then what else does she rilly need to no?

The Gunderson's said...

WAHOO! I'm in the top 10 comments! Super!
Good advice for the Frumps out there. I will print this out and leave it on cars in the Wal Mart parking lots:)

WhiteEyebrows said...

This blog makes me physically ill... yet like a dog to its vomit, I just keep reading it every day...

kris said...

Bahaha! It's so true! I just can't stop!

This kid sounds cute...what's he doing with HER?

MommaKiss said...

I have a spinsty friend. Poor thing. It's just so sad.

WE - chillax.

Jessica Rabbit said...

I would very gladly pay for a lady tee that said, "Stocks Mature. Guys Don't." on it. ^__~

marcie said...

"Stocks Mature."

Tamn Sweetie, are the feti making you ill today because I thought the only stock you paid attention to was that of a good looking guy, and the line of general authorities that he comes from!

BYU Athletic Supporter said...

I am going to print out this post and give it to my siter-in-law. She needs some wise advice like this. She is already 23 and not married, yet!

Trent!? said...

Good Gosh, I love this blog.

Marcie: I think TAMN cares about those things for HERSELF, but we're talking about Yvette aka Picky Patti here, and beggars can't be choosers.

Noelle said...

she's almost done with school? yikes. whatever you do, remind her to not to get more education. that's practically a life sentence for spinsterhood.

micah e. said...

I'm getting ready to finish grad school and I'm still singling and mingling. How 'bout the hook up TAMN? Yvette sounds hot. And if she's not, at least she's got hot friends.

Whitney R said...

I hope she reads this and gives huge torso a good chance. As in, let him buy her her 3 karat princess diamond ring.

Tricia said...

um, so I don't wanna be snarky or anything, but I *THINK* you spelled persevering wrong.

it's perseRveering. hello? haven't you heard it a hundred times in relief society? can't you hear the R?

Kayleigh said...

Spinstys always ruin the party.

Kristina P. said...

Clearly, Spinsty hasn't been listening to the RS lessons that talk about how you should take whatever you can get. Obviously, she has no desire to get married or start having way uglier babies of her own.

Does she even know what the plan is?

Stopher and Nicolle said...

miss your face is mine, cheri. i suggest you never say it again, unless you want to put a copyright at the end....
i rilly think that pursaviring is righteous....you spelled it wrong, TAMN! it's like purse cause you have to carry it all the time.

Miriam said...

"Do you really want to throw up in your mouth for ETERNITY??"

ew.

Best line ever.

Aunty Em said...

If only all friends could be as thoughtful & giving, as in advice, as you.

michellejohnnie said...

Picky Patti!!! You can say that again! Did you tell her this may be her only chance in life? And don't tell me she said "I would rather be happy and single, than miserable and married." That is a bunch of poo-poo!

Sue said...

"Do you want a boat or not??"

Man - her priorities are SO screwed up. What a total freak.

My friend's husband is a SOCIAL WORKER and she has to {gasp} WORK PART-TIME. IT'S SO SAD.

Oh. Wait. That's me.

DAMMIT.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Great advice. Stocks mature, not dudes! Talk about profoundly true!

Loved this post, spinsty! I mean, Tamners!

The Boob Nazi said...

I'm surprised you still even talk to your spinsty friend.

Amy said...

wow TAMN, you are so righteous for sharing your selfless advice all the time. First that girl who has none compared to your two, and then Yvette's bum. Good thing your friends have you to watch out for them on the straight & narrow.

Sadie, Corey and Cailyn said...

Some people will just never get it. The plan isn't about love or converstations or smart people, its about making babies and bringing them into the plan! DUH! Hate to say it, she just may be the next Sheri Dew. (yikes)

Ashley Ann said...

LOVED this post!!

Thanks for the gut laugh!

Katie D. said...

"..then looked at her bum for a sec til she got the pitcher."

Yvette doesn't seem to be getting all of your obvious hints and advice. You'd think she'd be smarter being a Spinsty that's almost done with school. What school did you say she goes to again? Must be the totally unrighteous U of U.

Laura said...

"stocks mature, not dudes"
So THAT's what I've missed.
Thanks for the laugh.

Token Asian Friend said...

1 Sprite, $1.50
1 bottomless Diet Coke, $2.45
1 salad, $11.95
1 box full of tissues, $1.25
1 box of chocolate bonbons, $5.95

Advice from TAMN, PRICELESS

Yvette said...

*sigh*

I should've known you'd blog about this.

Talina said...

Man, I just read the comment from yvette and laughed for like 5 minutes. I love this blog.

soawesomeimightgetarrested said...

oh tamn, i love you.

shel7by said...

TAMN - you ARE a genius.

Sue - you made me laugh out loud... i wish there was a shorter way of saying that.

Stacie said...

I must need help too then. I'm 26, not dating anyone. Served a mission. Dated a guy when I got home for almost a year..now he is at BYU and I'm in AZ (we were in CA before) I must need a makeover. or some help. A few guys here in AZ chasing me but I must be bein' a picky pattie too bc I'm still single!

jakenapril said...

i swear every time i read this blog i can barely get through a post because i am laughing so hard. and the comments are even better. keep it up, TAMN. you are the best thing in the blogosphere!

Diane said...

Oh TAMN I wish I had had BFF like you when I was all spinsty. Maybe if I had baked cookies for all the guys that said "hi" to me I may have earned my MRS degree before I graduated and not have been 27 years (OLD!)when I got married. Then I could have been so blessed like you.

Andie said...

I'd love to no for a fewcher post, how you and Yvette became such good friends, since she is so spinsty and you are so...you know.

Sharah said...

Tamn, I am SO glad we are e-BFFs because I rilly need a friend like you! All my married friends don't talk to me any more so I only have other spinstys like me to hang out with. We usually just sit around eating snacks, practicing unflattering hairstyles and borrowing each others long sleeved clothes. Thank you for being so richess that you fellowship people less fortunate then you. Thanks to following advice I got from your blog I now have a date this weekend with a guy who uses more hair product than I ever thought was humanly possible! Shriek!

Madddddddy said...

You give the BEST advice - I <3 you TAMN!

Mina said...

TAMN, you are sich a sweet spirit. And of corse by that I don't mean uggers, I mean SOOOO kind to keep hanging out with the spinstery girls, givin' them advice they won't take and stuff. I stopped even LOOKING at the single girls, cuz they made me two sad slash uncomfertable. I wish I was a ritcheous as you!

JessicaMarie said...

!!! You totally saved me with this one! I almost cancelled my manipedi for tomorrow to fill out Grad School apps!!! Whew that was a close one! I almost had myself fasttracked to the tele-kingdom!! =/

Mary said...

Where were you when I was a spintsy 18 yr old!!

What would I do without your guydence?

jhmorris said...

K so mebbe I've lived in TX too long, but I totally don't get the "stocks mature" thing. Are you talking about cows? Cuz I know you're wayyyy too cute to be talking about Wall Street type stuff. Hello sleeping readers! But N-E-Wayz... way to give Spinsty the kick in the well padded tush she needs. She'll thank you later.

Blog is my Co-Pilot said...

"since when was awesome weird"...LOL killing me! * I'd love to answer that with an oh so humble "since I became awesome"...but...that would be pushing it way too far.

brossettelewis said...

So if Yvette is done with that shallow hottie can my sister take a chance at him? It's not like she is her e-bff. 09s her year! 3rd times a charm right?

You should create a service! I checked out Bro. 28yr old Law boy from DC, and thought you would make the most righteous matches.

Alyssa Grace Herrin said...

Provo: for a valley you sure are SHALLOW!

Rachel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel said...

HAHAHAA :D
I second the motion that "Stocks mature, not dudes" be put on a T-Shirt. I'd deff. buy it!!!

I hope I don't become a spinsty like Yvette!! I'm already 18 and in YSA stuff and haven't hooked any large-torso'd/gel hair'd RMs yet!!

But did you know that CAP SLEEVES are against the honor code there at BYU-Hawaii?!???!! Totally sacrelige!!
And since that's where I'm going to school, I think I'm doomed to be a spinsty for LIFE! Or at least til I'm 30. Which is almost as bad!! D:

SO glad you're my E-BFFF so you can help me thru tough things like this!

Karen said...

BEST POST EVER (including the link back to my previous favorite post ever). Laughed so hard I really thought I was going to have issues this time. I swear, I'm Yvette's life double, so every blog about her makes me die laughing.

"stocks mature, not dudes": my first thought after laughing so hard I woke up my roommates was I'D BUY THAT IF IT WERE A T-SHIRT....and after reading these posts, I think it would be a slick business move, TAMN. I know at least three people in this house who would buy one for sure.

Sue: that was hysterical.

Keep up the brilliance, TAMN. You make an awful day bearable, and a good day even better.

Jenny W. said...

TAMN!!!

I totally know that guy Micah (from the comment above)! He was in my last ward and the guy is pure as gold (and about to graduate from law school! can he be anymore eligible?!). You've gotta set the two of them up. It can be like an online version of The Bachelor!!!

Bachelor! Bachelor! Bachelor!

Lyssa said...

Oh ME...please!

MMIT (tam) said...

seriously, i'm just a rilly humble, rilly super hot momma of 2...and not even twinners...but i would seriously lurve one of these awesome give-a-ways!

Molly Farmer said...

TAMN, this post was way hard for me. Normally I'm totally easy going and can take a joke, but I am so not laughing.

You have no idea what it's like to have a huge torso. One-piece swimming suits don't fit me, and if I were sit next to Andre Kirilenko (ask JJWT who that is), I would be head and shoulders above the guy.

This one just hit way too close to home.

Lyndsey said...

TAMN!!! Cocoa?????? Cup Cakes???? Do you know how many calories that stuff has in it??? Who ever wins them wont be able to eat for a month!!!!!!

Gazelle said...

FYI- stocks don't mature... bonds do.

Teri's Blog said...

High 5 to Yvette! Can you really just look at Mr. Right for eternity or would you rather talk to Him?