December 29, 2008

What the crap you guys!?

WORST.
WEEKEND.
EVER.

Besides the lame-o wedding which was heart-retching even though I spiced it up as best I could, just when I thought things couldn't get any harder the universe sent me ANOTHER serious burden named...

Lynzii.

Ugh. She just moved into our ward.

Don't even know what to do or where to start with this. Hate to judge cuz just met her at church but, I totally hate her.

So we're at MY ward and she had my same skirt on only her's was tighter. She had my same boots on only her's were even higher. Her spray tan is darker and her teeth aren't whiter {impossible} but there definiately larger. Her highlights involve like three more colors then mine do. It gets worse...her hubby is DONE with law/biz/med/dental school, where she FOUNDED the wive's club. And guess where she works and gets the fattest discount ever!?

Anthro.
Somebody literally shoot me.

THEN I saw them unpacking this morning on my empty-stroller-jog and she had on my same skinny jeans only teensier. Her big furry winter boots are just like mine only more ginorm. Her darling winter beanie type hat w/ a little bill is JUST like mine, only more sassily cocked. So, I'm jogging and of coarse I stop to chat and be way smiley-snoopy and plan to invite her to my next homebased business party and before I can say one thing, guess what she gives me!? A BIZ CARD FOR HER HOMEBASED BUSINESS WHICH IS THE EXACT SAME AS MINE ONLY I'M A CONSULTANT AND SHE'S A SAPPHIRE LEVEL EXECUTIVE.

Vulgarity brakes my heart, but seriously, what a B.

105 comments:

jhjonze said...

Someone more TAMN than TAMN, I refuse to believe it!

Sarah said...

She WORKS!!!!!

poor thing (frowny smile)

you didn't mention any kids for her. nothing to worry about TAMN. don't you know once you pop the feti- you compete thru them?

Steve & Alli said...

Oh TAMN I totally hate that this burden has come into your life. Like, who the H does this Lynzii think she is? I just want to know how I can help you overcome this, like, how much do I need to buy from you to make you a DIAMOND executive???

Sarah said...

and the consultant thing...

it's so sad that she has to do it to make money-
we know you are just doing it for a hobbie that allows you to showcase your fabulous talents for throwing parties...

she will have everyone avoiding her and her product pushing in no time!

EmaDee said...

Yes, but is she about to bring two hot babies into the world? I didn't think so! Maybe if you chum up to her she'll let you use her discount at Anthropology. That would be worth it, right?

Kiersten said...

Her tan, tight, toned tummy? Totally JJWT spawn-free.

If her husband has ALREADY graduated (and btw, I'm sure he's not nearly as hot as Angel Cakes) shouldn't they have like four kids by now?

Clearly she is NOT living the plan.

Rach said...

Maybe one of my favorite posts ever.

TAMN. Why are you freaking out?? Is she threatened by you or something? Chillax! You can take her under your wing and guide her. She's not even preggo...SAD. It's not your fault her husband is ancient enough to be DONE with school. You're way cuter. I don't have to even see her to know that.

Cheri said...

Hahaha! Okay, so it's a scary time, but she is probably way quick to judge, and you're not, so you win.

Jess and Matt said...

Is she preggers with twinsies too?...only she is so teeny weeny that you can't even tell yet? uh oh....

Matchbox Mom said...

OOH! I know her! Yeah...she's kind of a B..
Just remember to CTR and WWJD?...
you are above her anyway because you're super spiritual and kind and totally righteous...

Paul said...

At least she doesn't have a cool blog like you, and I'm sure you must have way more E-BFFs than her.

s.t.a.c.y. said...

So, the good news is this: If she has all those things - then she is prolly older than you are! What is she. like 30?!Seriously, that is something you have that she doesn't: Youthy good looks.
So, endure to the end and you will be way cuter when she's rocking the Sherry Dew haircut and girnom relief society wave.

Mrs. Mordecai said...

No worries. Your carrying twins and shes not, so your def more richeous.

clan of the cave hair said...

better start planning next year's neighborhood gifts now or she'll probably give out the best one's of those too.

April said...

LMAO...you're so effing funny it kills me. Yeah, bad words break my heart too...but whatev.

kathy said...

I can tell you are depressed because you still have your Christmasy header on your blog, and Christmas is SO over.

kris said...

Okay, this is one of my all-time faves. The sassily-cocked hat is what got me. I love this blog.

Kerry said...

Wait wait wait...

SAPPHIRE level executive?

Crap.

ProvoBoy said...

I would really like to meet her to "check her out" for myself...

Kristina P. said...

Obviously, you need to start wearing shirts that clearly point out how pregnant you are, i.e. righteous. Just like Britney did with the Golden Ticket shirt she wore when she was pregnant with one of those adorable little munchkins.

Plus, it's totally OK to hate and judge if there's a good reason for it, like in this case. I hate her too!

Nick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nick said...

If you two have so much in common, how sure are you that Linzzi doesn't have history with JJWT? Remember that time when you guys were technically "on a break" and saw other people? The real questions are who broke it off and why?

Does she have a blog that we could check out too?

TopHat said...

Wow. She sounds way more ritechuser than you. Does she have a blog? I need to add her to my blog list!

Trent!? said...

She FOUNDED the wive's club? TAMN, that just means she's old. OLD OLD OLD.

Your still the one that I lurve.

Sarah: Der Wenigste Blog der Welt said...

Yes, but TAMN... who is pregnant with HOT, TWIN FETI? You are! She's got nothing on you. You are already the hottest mom ever.

Kerry said...

You can get through this. Hurry, fake bedrest so she can bring you a meal and you can check out her cooking.

Melia said...

Oh, you poor thing. Bless your heart. I am sure that with a GC or some fro-yo you will survive.

kaytee and tadley jensen said...

So then does she have a blog called "Seriously, MORE Blessed" which is just like yours but 'cept she can spell?

JK! LYLAS!

That is SO annoying slash not cool. I hate her too, and I haven't even seen her!

Chelsea said...

Well, she's obviously older than you! Stop worrying, she's older, doesn't have kids yet (seriously, she's not living the plan if her hubby is done with law/biz/dental/med school and they don't have any offspring yet, its just unrighteous) She's got to have extra colors of highlights to distract from her crows feet, and lets face it, if she's got a darker spray tan then YOU, she prolly looks ethnic. Chillax girlie, she's got to be 24 at least!

The Boob Nazi said...

Hey, she is WORKING. Who cares about the discount? She has a job and is totally not with the plan like you are, all pregnant and everything.

Hobley said...

you know what she doesn't have on you? TWINS! you're way cooler. at least you don't have to buy people's friendships with your biz cards. you're just a naturally likeable person!

emily said...

so sad that she has to go to work. good thing you get to stay home and shop anthro from your computer, online sales rock;-) plus, i guarantee she will be ooooober jealous of your twins, 'cause seriously, how cute is that!? make sure to invite her to the shower so she can use her disount on anthro kids to get matching twins' outfits for your fetuses.

Allison said...

This is such a trial for you. But you know, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. This is just a test of your faithfulness. You can withstand this, I know it. Your so totally rightous!

Kari said...

ewwwwww...i HATE her!!! What a liddle beeeeeeYoTcH :(

You mustMUSTmust call the bish and so richeously volun*tear* to give a talk, teach R.S., and perform a musical # next sAbBaTh...that way she'll kNOW for sure you are WAY hawter/spirchal/richeouser! {{hugs}}

myimaginaryblog said...

I wish I could offer you some advice but seriously this is one of the toughest dilemms you've yet described. I can get a small taste of what you're going through when I imagine how daunted I would feel if you OR Lynzii moved into my ward.

Keep saying to yourself "My heart will go on." (Better yet, sing it.)

Marisa said...

TAMN, I was going to totally hate the B too but then I remembered the primary song "Jesus said love everyone." I hate to say this, but you're just going to have to CTR and fellowship her ASAP. You know what they say...keep your friends close, but your frenemies closer.

Howertons in Iowa said...

just remember, you are going to be the NEXT Bish Wife and that always TRUMPS what ever you want to call her. Maybe she lurks your blog and is trying to be like you. Besides, sometimes preggo hormones play with how you feel. I am sure you are still Hotter and worldly than she is!

Kari said...

I have a feeling you to are going to be bff in no time! Then you can find out her flas and no your sooo much better then her! Poor thing doesn't even sound preggo if she's wearing tinsier skinny jeans then you!

The Bradley's said...

Poor thing! I agree with everyone else that she is obviously OLD and NOT following the plan. Just hope she doesn't get called into Young Wimenz - that would be a major bummer!

P.S. - I just called into Activity Days, that's almost as good as YW right?

Jo said...

TAMN darlinz, if her teeth are bigger than yourz, she must be an Osmond and they are soooo 80's it isn't even funny. Haz been. You on the other hand, are NOW. HOT. TAMN. Kizzes!

Jo said...

TAMN darlinz, if her teeth are bigger than yourz, she must be an Osmond and they are soooo 80's it isn't even funny. Haz been. You on the other hand, are NOW. HOT. TAMN. Kizzes!

Kayleigh said...

She sounds like a total B. Ugh. Jealous much. I hate it when girls move in on your territory. I'm with ya, TAMN.

Mhana said...

MMkay hun, I understand how frustrated this can be but let's just talk our way through it. Yes she has some things that are fancier or tighter, but doesn't that just prove that you're more humble, more original and less materialistic? At times like this I find it helps to count your blessings.
1) You have a home business because it is fun and it is one of your Divine Natures. She is clearly working two jobs so probably her hubby didn't graduate at the top of his class.
2) Did HER righteous womb produce both a priesthood holder and a mother in zion?
3) Does she even keep a blogjournal?!
4) You are miamaid leader the only thing you really need to do is make sure that she doesn't get made laurels leader. A good way to do this is to have your miamaids campaign to have you move up with them so they can still be under your guidance. Maybe they could hint they aren't SURE there's a hzrd in the hrzntl and they need some more magnets to remind them?

Remember, this is the kind of trial you can bring up if you ever attend a homemaking lesson and someone asks you to bring up a time that was super difficult or someone you had to pray rilly hard to love. Also I just want to point out that if she had to FOUND her wive's club her husband probably wasn't going to a Richus school so probably none of his classmates were married and some might even have been women so really the wive's club was probably just her. So now you can fakeadmiresecretpity her!

I hope this was a source of comfort to you.

Laura~Licious said...

Poor TAMN! Dont worry its prolly not that bad! I mean maybe ur upset bcuz of all ur hardships this week. Like your way yuck new SIL. And if her tan IS darker, her skirt IS shorter and her boots ARE higher...then she's totally like your neighbor who got sent home from EFY. TAMN you should just try to be nice to her bcuz she is so not living the plan! And you are. Feel sorry for her because her hubby is OLD, and prolly a total yawner! AND she has to work! Maybe you can use her Anthro discount...and if nothing else you should bake something for her. She will look rude if she doesnt eat it and if you do it enough her tiny skinny jeans will not be so tiny!!! Dont worry TAMN no one can out do you! XOXOXO

Megz said...

My heart akes for you! Just remember that you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and maybe she has like 6 toes or something freaky like that. Or maybe her JJWT has an extra nipple. Or even worse maybe they sleep in twin beds! I just know they can't be more perfect than you.

Token Asian Friend said...

I didn't think it was physically possible for someone else to wear their skirt tighter!

Sue said...

She works AND does home parties? TRES middle class TAMN.

You didn't even tell us the most important part? Who's McMansion is bigger?

Seriously TAMN, FOCUS on the IMPORTANT stuff. ANYONE can spray tan. Only the righteous get a really big house.

GladysIcanbee said...

Clearly her self-esteem is much worse--she had to copy you just to move into the ward. i think she had someone doing rekonisense for her to know what her competition would be. Maybe she needs one of your t-shirts but not the hot/righteous hoodie.

tiburon said...

What a blow.

You should hire someone to take her out. And not to the Macaroni Grill.

I mean take her OUT - take her out.

Nancy said...

B indeed. Tamn, we've got to step back from the sitch. Something doesn't add up and I'm pritty sure you'll soon find out that this Linzii chick is a total poser. First, it's weird/sad that they are done w school and living in a ward w students. They prob. don't even make over $200k. You've go to get into her house and snoop/fake admire. Is her fridge even built in? Ginormous wolf/dacor/viking cooktop? Double ovens? I doubt it. And what about her ring? Is it even over 2 carrots? Second, she'll never get put in young womins cause everyone knows she's a unritchus example. Chillax and get to work.

kits54 said...

Think about it TAMN; She is working outside the home!
Which means, either she wants/needs the $$, or the hubs is forcing her to work because HE want/needs $$.
Either way = way sad and worldly.

Libby the Teacher said...

Have you brought her cookies or bread to welcome her to the ward? That will definitely show her how awesome you are. You have to disguise any annoyance you may feel.

Token Asian Friend said...

Wait, did you say Lynzii? I knew a Lynzii, only she didn't work for Anthro. She designed for them.

Candi said...

So sorry Tamn. Send positive thoughts out to the universe and set us all an example of forbearance.

Sinilyn said...

ok so don't think i'm a weirdo but one of my friends told me about your blog & i totally checked it out...i don't know who you are but your freakin crack me up! this blog entry was hilarious...and i hope you don't mind if i follow your blog just for the simple fact that the way you write cracks me up as well as breaks up the day...but i thought it would relieve my concious to tell you how funny you are!

Yvette said...

Yessss! {fistpump}

Quixotic Healer said...

In these tough situations, good Mormon girls ask them self What Would Jane Do...
y'know? Jane austin, the yawner jeanius?

Well, she wrote about a girl in this situation named Emma, and Emma said, "I must throw a party for her. Otherwise everyone will feel at once how much I dislike her."

And it totally workd! Cause soon everyone realized that the other girl was super lame and emma was way better and everything went back to normal!

Quick! You have to make friends with all the frumps before she does, or shell look more spirchal!

Rebecca said...

At least she's not preggers with triplets :) And even if she was, that would totally stretch out her tummy and she would never fit into her skinny jeans again!

Heidi Ashworth said...

Oh, TAMN-it! Well, you know what they say, into each life, some rain must fall. You've gotta have something over her, though. Maybe her hair frizzes unbecomingly in the rain. One can only hope.

Amalie said...

so funny! can I please go empty-stroller-jogging with you my kids can watch themselves at home.

Cheryl said...

Remember? Green is not your color.

Adamo said...

So which multi-level scheme is your fave?

Amber said...

Ew. Freaking HATE her! You need to hold a talent/hotty/look-at-me contest in your ward so you can TOTALLY win! What a hag! This girl needs to learn her place and that's at the BOTTOM of the adorable totem-pole. Skag.

SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said...

I must say the hilarious commenter award for this post has to go to Chelsea: "and lets face it, if she's got a darker spray tan then YOU, she prolly looks ethnic."

Diane said...

She use to be in my ward. She made the rest of us look like frumps. So glad she moved. Have fun with that TAMN. Oh and that name! Lynzii, did her parents really name her that? It's just too precious.

Shari said...

Could be worse...she could be prego with triplets. Wait...maybe she is and you just cant tell yet?

kris said...

Just when I think this blog can't get any better, you go and get an archnemesis. God bless you.

Lynnette said...

I guess it really is true, everyone has trials. Just remember that this is all part of the test and will only make you stronger, plus motivate you to get way more tan/skinny/cute. So it's really just a blessing in disguise!

barnaclebutt said...

TAMN,
Here's what I think, she is totally a you wannabe. She probably went ward shopping and saw you and how hawt you are and now she is just trying too hard. Feel bad for her. She is so insecure. We all try to be like you, but she needs to step off!

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh Tamn, I'm so sorry. It stinks to be one upped. And sometimes vulgarity is the only way to deal. In fact sometimes I take your name in vain. I hope you don't mind.

I'm sure you're just filling insecure since you're all huge and preggo! But you have nothing to worry about. You looked totally hot in that black skirt.

LURVE YOU Tamn!

Rachel said...

I love you for writing this blog! It's my ultimate faveee :D


But WTCRAP?! She has lyk TWO whole jobs! She's deff. a plan-hater. And I bet materialism doesn't make her cry, that's why she's working to get herself more MATERIAL things!!! Srsly. You didn't go for the tighter skirt and bigger boots and extra haircolors cos materialism makes you CRY.
That's the only reason, right??


I vote that you way beat her with righteousniss points!

Mucho love EBFF!

Sarah said...

Total B! I wouldn't be surprised if she were preggers with triples! Did you ask?

The Bradley's said...

Hey, I just thought of a perk, all the mommies with stretched out tummies will have someone else to hate! You're looking better each day!

Mary said...

WTC TAMN!! You are so super dedicated to not getting uggo while pregnant that you are already practicing jogging with the double stroller...you never cease to amaze me!

Alena Helzer said...

the only thing worse would be that shes preggo with tripps! thats one more adorable feti for her!!!

Julie de Azevedo said...

Fruit. Of. The. Womb.
You. So. Win.

SteveS said...

You should swallow your pride and become her apprentice. Befriend her and she can show you all the deep secrets of the fabulous life. Then, when JJWT and you move away to start life in Aspen or Miami or wherever, you can become the master (mistress) who takes on apprentices to perpetuate your craft.

Think about it.

Liz said...

Lynzii sounds like a total B. I bet they are going to call her husband into the bishopric stat. Ugh.

Sounds like you need to one-up her. You can do it TAMN!

The Smith Family said...

Uhhhh...HELLO! You better hope she doesn't read your bloggy blog, or you're in T-R-O-U-B-L-E!! Watch out... People in your ward blog stalk too! I know.

bkbills said...

Bet she has body acne.

Sadie, Corey and Cailyn said...

just don't tell her about blogging because I bet everyone would start reading hers and not yours. She sounds like a myth and we all love fake!!!

Momza said...

You went from FUNNY to NOT SO MUCH with your "what a B"
= not on my bloglist.
Don't lose yourself for the sake of "approval".

Kerry said...

HAHAHAHAHA.

I am crying. CRYING.

Shlepn7 said...

ouch. I rilly fill for you. Probably the toughest weekend of your life since finals week. After much carefull consideration I have come to the conclusion that on the surface this only SEEMS like a calamity. But be payshent. I mean EVERYONE has an akillies hill and it's only a matter of time before her's is revilled.

Stopher and Nicolle said...

where are they being manufactured? i have like three new ones in my ward, too...ugh! and they have kids already, to boot! what the eff? (my heart is breaking!!)

kris and judd said...

You should be the more humble person make a Welcome Basket for Lyndzii, but be sure to include one of your 7-D ordaments of your hottie feti so she has a little reminder of your richousness. Don't forget to share your talents with all your stamps and glitter all over it! She'll be so overwhelmed by your generousity!

Gwen said...

Imitation is the biggest form of flattery. She wants to be like you!

The Griffins said...

if you can't beat her join her. Every TAMN needs another TAMN to be her BFF!

The Griffins said...

oh and as long as you still have the title as MM advisor you can rest assured that you're the hottest, coolest married lady in the ward with the hottest, coolest husband.

SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said...

Just read some of the recent comments and had to say, WOW, of all the things you've written about that "push the envelope" so to speak, someone actually complained about "what a B" ? Too funny! What's even funnier is the follow-up line about losing yourself for the sake of "approval". Um, hello? Think about that one for just a moment, folks. I mean, seriously.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Don't judge to badly because you have TWO fetuses that will ROCK whatever fetuses she may have! It's hard I know...

I just am tongue tied on what to say further...

Little Lovables said...

So sorry to hear this! The best thing to do is to take her under your wing and invite her to your New Year's party.

She may have a totally lame personality and that is why they moved wards in the first place!

Russ and Nic said...

Bet she doesn't have to two hot fetuses on the way! You win!

Stephanie said...

I know Lynzii. She just moved out of my ward. TAMNi, she has nothing on you, I could seriously tell you scandilis stories about her. Ew. You're better than she is, don't forget it.

Michelle said...

Oh, sounds like you have got a serious girl crush to me....

Princess Danell said...

LOL! That sounds exactly like my 17 year old daughter. I get we never out grow that judgement thing. By the time you are 45, you realize everyone's got the goods, including YOU!

dharvey said...

A "sapphire level executive"...Ah hahahaha !! Seriously such a RIOT--- LOVE your writing. TAMN, try to have forbearance and endure this burden. Trails like this are meant to make us stronger. Take courage, my dear. XOXOXO -from D.

Gustogirl said...

Love this post!! So funny! Maybe I sound way lame, but what is Antho? Clearly, I am not with it!

akidd said...

You know TAMN, you have to fight fire with fire. YOU should become her BFF (even though she won't really be yours cuz you totally don't need her) and milk her for her Anthro discount and she could totally help you climb in stampin up. I think you are underestimating how much this total B could work to your advantage. Plus if you hang out with her it will be totally ovious how much better you are than her.

Missy W. said...

your only option is to accidentally start some rumors about her wild life before she got married. oops!

Jillian said...

*GASP* I just thought of something- Maybe she was on that show "What NOT to Wear" and Stacy & Clinton straightened her out because she used to be all Ruth-y, but you were all awesome on your own. Just a thought...

brossettelewis said...

Um she doesn't have twins nor does she have a bumload of ebffs? She's so not worthy of your stress.

You could take her that Ensign article about not putting off family for a job. (My mom did and look at me now.) You should take her a "treat" with it to welcome her to the ward...something diet...ohh diet coke and an Ensign talk. What could be more charitable than getting her weight loss journey and spirituality back on track?

megsatron said...

I love it! Wether or not we'd like to admit it, I think we've all felt that way a time or two before!

Mrs. Clark said...

First of all, Diane, her mom totally named her Lynzii, I promise.

TAMN, Lynzii and her husband are prolly in a boatload of debt because they went to a tiny, unknown, hardly-anyone-goes-there law/medical/dental/business school like Wharton where it costs a lot and is so boring that Lynzii had to found a wives' club. She has two jobs and she still can't move into a cute old house that's been totally fixed up in Sugarhouse or the Avenues, or a McMansion on Olympus. AND she's either infertile and can never carry her JJWT's ritecheous seed or she's a plan-hater postponing having kids until their debt is paid off. AND I bet if you watch her, you'll find she's buying last season's sale stuff at Anthropologie instead of new stuff with her discount. Come on--isn't she still driving the grad-school 1997 Corolla?

Mrs. Dexter said...

HAHAHA! GREATEST post to date.