February 11, 2009

cHiLdBiRtH cLaSs

Don't worry everyone! You can still enter the gIveAwAy til Fridee by clicking here.


So, Me and JJWTbunz hit up part 1 of a 2 part childbirth class last week. It was interesting to say the least but the other preggos there made me sad, mostly bc I was literally three times cuter than ANY of them, not too mention less whaley, and their all having half as many babies as me. And the teacher kept being YUCKY! Seriously, why the heck do people have to make cute things like babies into icky convos about pain, blood and even breastmilk???? Gross! They even said nasty words like m-u-c-u-s and p-l-a-c-e-n-t-a. (Spelt them out so you wouldn't think I was profane). Ew. Just typing that makes me shutter. WAY more up lifting to just imagine smiley feti floating gently in pinky-white wombclouds. Maybe with glitter.

Anyways, The DTD says with twinsy feti I'll prolly have a caesar salad section, but who knows?? If I don't need one, I think I want to go totally natural to avoid harming my cutest babies ever with dangerous drugs. BUT, I also don't do pain bc it bums me out so bad. Whatever. {{hopeful shrug}} I know it will all workout.


Anyways, being we live in Zion, you'd think they'd at least worn us, but nobody said anything about the birthing videos being rated R! They SHOWED THE WHOLE BIRTH! Ew! So of COARSE I screamed, covered AngelMuffin's eyes and asked the nurse slash teacher if she had any standards. Anyone know if there's a clean-flicked version for next time??

64 comments:

Laurel said...

So you're opting NOT to have the big mirror present at the birth...?

shelley said...

Dis-gusting!

Allison said...

Rated R birth movies? Zion is going downhill fast!

Julie de Azevedo said...

LMButtO! Can't stop. You freaking rock TAMN.

Trent!? said...

Yeah, the cloud thing is way cooler. And you know what, you are the PERFECT candidate for a natural birth, since words like p-l-a-c-e-n-t-a make you barf and pain bums you out. Go get 'em TAMN!

The Boob Nazi said...

hahahahaha Best last line EVER!

Steve & Alli said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA Well I'm guessing at least in Zion the R-rated birth video would have a cutesy couple like you and JJWT instead of the *gasp* overweight couple they showed in our Zion-North video- you don't know profane until you've viewed that one

Cheri said...

Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me they showed a real vajayjay on the video and you didn't walk out to make a point?

I'm disappointed.

I thought you had standards.

Musings of the Mrs. said...

LOL on the clean flicked version of the childbirth. That is hillarious!!!!!!

Matchbox Mom said...

ew ew and ew...why did you EVEN GO?
That is just yuck eeee...

keighty said...

Please tell me someone had the episiotomy talk with you. I must know how that one went.

Token Asian Friend said...

I agree with Cheri. Walk out, and ask for your money back. It didn't sound like they had anything new to teach you anyway.

Oh, and TAMN, Clean-flix...it's over. I'll explain later.

Carli Webb said...

Um, why are you even going to nasy bithing class n-e ways? That is for girls who like don't shave their legs or wear deoderant! EW!

Kandis said...

bahhhhahhhhh...you kill me!

Matt and Jennae Porter said...

I can't wait to hear the adorable names you pick out for your feti. I think you should name your daughter KKKK (as in Kylie/Kaylie/Kayla/Kaitlynn) and your son ABCJ (Aiden/Brayden/Caden/Jayden). It's in the plan that you have to give your kids one of those names, don't you know?

You should def go for a caesar salad section, that way your hips and your (*you know*) don't perma-widen.

Dave said...

TAMN - it's worse from a righteous husband's point of view. Here are my step-by-step reactions to our birthin' class which we did all in one day. Gross. http://bit.ly/h3azf

Lyndsey said...

TAMN you must talk your DR out of the C-Section. It will leave a scar that you might not be able to hide under your tiny but still modest bikini. In fact I have heard once you have a C-section you might as well kiss your 6 pack good bye! This madness must stop. hugs!

Kayleigh said...

You have glittery wombclouds? Awesome.

Michael and Megan Gery said...

breastmilk? gross. geez TAMN, I came to your blog expecting to be uplifted...

Heidi Ashworth said...

Alas and alack, Clean Flix is gone! I do love the idea of a pink womb--with glitter! If only . . .

Ruthykins said...

so glad i got the c-sections. i had three. the second and third were so easy! don't ask about the first. let's just say i hallucinated. yeah.

NIKOL said...

Before the birth, you should just have your home teachers come over to give you a blessing that you'll have a pain-free labor. The priesthood is way more powerful than...you know, nature.

I, too, can't wait to hear your baby names!

Ashley Ann said...

If you just vishulize a happy place like Nordy's shoe secshion on a Saturday with your tiny fro-yo in hand, buying all the hottest new baby clothes, then you'll totally be able to pop those cuties out with NO drugs whatsoever.

Teacum said...

Yeah they do have a clean flick version of the movie. It involves a stork flying into the room with a baby.

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha clean flix birth. LOVE IT. Great idea. ha ha ha ha

I hope you don't have to get a ceasar salad section. I had one. If you do, make sure and order honey mustard dressing on the side.

Jill L said...

I guess it's safe to assume you're not going for an O-R-G-A-S-M-I-C birth then?

https://secure.drnorthrup.com/member_area/login.php

Teacum said...

Yes they do have a clean flicks version of the movie. It involves a stork flying into the room with the baby. I think that Disney produced it.

Hilary said...

My two year old (in a horrible mispronunciation of the name Kimberly) calls her baby doll Tamberly . . . TAMNberly! It's like naming the baby after you, but not exactly. Purfect!

Kim said...

that is sew icksy! U should toteally go for the see section cuz they can give u a tummy tuck at the same time to get rid of those 3 ell bees you gained while preggo.

Misty said...

Oh, you are too funny!

DeeAura said...

oh my gosh...the whole birth?? You poor poor innocent dear.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

Hilarious! I never thought about it, but childbirth videos would of course be rated R!

*Meg Larsen* said...

wow, i think this is my NEW favorite post.

Although, wouldn't a birthing video full of yuck be more like Rated X...?

Kate said...

Was Lynzii in the same class? She seems like the type that would take notes during that R rated feature film...

And really, someone should teach the "mother" in the video a lesson on modesty...just sayin'

jhjonze said...

Man, now I'm really not excited to go to those classes...

brossettelewis said...

Dr Watts (SLcC) does really tiny and low caesar salad scars, I totally suggest him. Plus that puts you at the best NICU in Utah...St Marks! Then you could get more donations than Octuplet mom with a rainbows and NICU pics website...for the Fetis BYU/hair school fund!

Eww, I can't believe they showed blatant nudity at that class. I'd totally switch to a BYUbirthing group.

Courtney B said...

TAMN... you should totally look into hypnobirthing. Completely natural and NO PAIN! Best of both worlds.

Maren Hansen said...

Seriously your best yet: wombclouds w/glitter? Clean flicked birth videos? snort, snort, snort, chuckle, chuckle...

SAHM: Surviving Assorted Home Mayhem said...

Uh oh! Now that you've watched essentially an X-rated movie you'll have to confess to the Bishop!

myimaginaryblog said...

True story that may or not have happened to me personally:

1st time mom checking into hospital is asked by nurse if she plans to have an epidural. 1st time mom says, "I'm going to wait and see how things go before I decide." Nurse says, "If you're wondering if it's going to hurt, I can tell you: it's going to hurt."

(That 1st time mom did have that baby natural. And it did hurt. Later she had two more babies natural. And then a fourth one with a spinal block (which is kind of a mini-epidural.) For birth #5, she's planning to wait and see how things go.)

Elizabeth said...

This is seriously the best post you have ever written. Hands down.

Amalie said...

hahaha! i am at work and just about died holding in the laughter. Can you pleeassseee "shutter" more often??

vbpeacock said...

I love wombclouds and glitter! Priceless!

kris and judd said...

Thanks for spelling out those nasty words instead of writing them out. My poor innocent eyes wouldn't have been able to handle it. I think you should just have Lynzii take notes for you next time!

Kyle and Kristi said...

Even though 'other' people's births are gross, I know yours is going to be super-duper modest with blankets placed strategically over your body, and the room smelling of a bath and body works room freshener. Shame on those nasty videos- giving you a bad birthing perspective!

Jon and Cindy Larsen said...

hahaha! Love your posts! Never thought child birth videos were rated, but you are right they should be!!

Anne said...

So, does that mean you're not planning on nursing? Because you know that keeps your bosom nice and firm and BIG!

Our Family said...

"Maybe with glitter"?? THAT is the most hillarious thing EVER!! I am still laughing!!!! Wait a minit, you live in Zion? I thought you lived out in the mission field? Guess you moved

Melody said...

If you go natural.....are you worried about pooping?

Jennifer and Jason Young said...

Natural is the way to go.

Mrs. Clark said...

Best post ever. And best comments ever. BTW--the birthing videos were 'way more modest 25 years ago.

Karilynn said...

So we all know that hospital birthing classes are really just about teaching women how to be good patients. Seriously... sorry about the "R" rated birth videos but you have way more to worry about! Being preggo with twins is a big responsibility! Especially when you are pretty much GUARANTEED a caesar salad section here in Zion! You have lots of research to do TAMN! I mean I get that you have better things to do with your time but I suggest reading an awesome book like Henci Goers "the thinking woman's guide to a better birth"! (I have heard that maybe the author of this blog really IS prego!) And it's okay if words make you vomit. You can make sure no one says them while you are in labor! But if you want to do the typical Utah thing, go in blindly to your birth and do WHATEVER your doctor tells you, even if everything he says and does is only a plot for him to get home in time for LOST! And WHEN you end up with a horrible birth experience full of forceps, episiotomies, and all sorts of unnecessary interventions along with your horrible extended tear because the dr was in a hurry, tell all your friends how incredibly nice he was... EVEN though your HORRIBLE birth experience is pretty much the only experience EVERY woman who sees him gets! AND make sure that after you end up with the horrible experience or your caesar salad section, you tell everyone you know how CONVENIENT it is to have MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY and take 2 babies home 3 days later. And def. tell everyone how you will do it again. Because hey, we all know your doctor will tell you you CAN'T have a vaginal birth after a caesar salad section even though it's a BLATANT LIE!!!
Can't wait to hear the story! (Oh and I'm sure you will be having your babies around 37 weeks right? Isn't that mandatory for twins?)

Karilynn said...

So we all know that hospital birthing classes are really just about teaching women how to be good patients. Seriously... sorry about the "R" rated birth videos but you have way more to worry about! Being preggo with twins is a big responsibility! Especially when you are pretty much GUARANTEED a caesar salad section here in Zion! You have lots of research to do TAMN! I mean I get that you have better things to do with your time but I suggest reading an awesome book like Henci Goers "the thinking woman's guide to a better birth"! (I have heard that maybe the author of this blog really IS prego!) And it's okay if words make you vomit. You can make sure no one says them while you are in labor! But if you want to do the typical Utah thing, go in blindly to your birth and do WHATEVER your doctor tells you, even if everything he says and does is only a plot for him to get home in time for LOST! And WHEN you end up with a horrible birth experience full of forceps, episiotomies, and all sorts of unnecessary interventions along with your horrible extended tear because the dr was in a hurry, tell all your friends how incredibly nice he was... EVEN though your HORRIBLE birth experience is pretty much the only experience EVERY woman who sees him gets! AND make sure that after you end up with the horrible experience or your caesar salad section, you tell everyone you know how CONVENIENT it is to have MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY and take 2 babies home 3 days later. And def. tell everyone how you will do it again. Because hey, we all know your doctor will tell you you CAN'T have a vaginal birth after a caesar salad section even though it's a BLATANT LIE!!!
Can't wait to hear the story! (Oh and I'm sure you will be having your babies around 37 weeks right? Isn't that mandatory for twins?)

Paula of CutieFruity said...

breastmilk is not gross. In fact, it keeps your boobies nice and perky, and then you get to have your babies with you all the time so everyone will tell you how adorable they are every time you go out. And you can just bat your huge eyelashes and act like it was the first time anyone ever told you that. BF is the way to go.

Howertons in Iowa said...

if you find a clean flicked version of child birth - you should totally let the rest of us know.
I imagine it might have a lot of glitter and end with Happily Ever After. Good Luck!!

Kris said...

TAMN, if Heavenly Father wanted us to see what birthing looked like, he would have made that "area" visible. So beyond icky and gross!

Seriously, don't even let anyone come near you with a camera until afterwards when you've had time to make your hair and makeup all perfect. Have you bought your way hot & maternal dressing gown for your photo shoot with the babies yet? Victorias Secret is having a big sale!

Megz said...

Those liberal Hollywood people who make movies would have us believe that childbirth is slightly icky. Don't believe their propaganda, TAMN! Stand up and make your own G-rated documentary where your feti come out clean as a whistle and smelling like powder and there's no need for those hazardous material bags to be seen in your delivery room. The truth needs to be told and you're the one to do it!

Erin said...

Karilynn- please pontificate elsewhere. Give us a little credit. We may love reading TAMN but that doesn't mean we are all her (or even close). I think most women are making their own decisions about birth even though they live in UT. And BTW- have you actually had this "major abdominal surgery?" I have, twice. I did bounce back as fast as my "natural" friends did, and I left the hospital after 48 hours. I won't mock your choices, please show the same respect for mine.

Peter V. Hilton said...

wombclouds and glitter. The funniest thing I've read on this blog in a long time.

Probably not just because I'm a man.

Keep it up!

Jen said...

Worn = warn. Coarse = course. No home schooling.

Shannon said...

I always love your posts about anything pregnancy. Hilarious. I remember going to that class and crying when I watched that video! Not because of the nudity (although non richus nudity makes me cry), but because I was going to have to do that. And I was hormonal. And the class was at like 10 at night so I was way tired. I cried the whole night, and my husband laughed at me for weeks over that one. But I will say, if you didn't like that video, don't go to a nursing class. More gratuitous b-o-o-b-i-e-s in those videos than I was ever even close to expecting. I would have totally walked out to make a point...if my husband hadn't been so interested (j/k).

Laura said...

Needed the chuckle today - clean-flicked birthing video from the DTD? The feti in pink fluffy clouds - wow - classic TAMN. Thanks.

jg said...

Karilynn: Chill.
Jenn: The author of this blog actually knows she is spelling incorrectly. Oh my gosh you guys.

Synergy Girl said...

You are so RaNdOm!!! I LOVE it!! I swear...the joys of childbirth...ya, it's pretty much a disgusting process...buuuuut...it is pretty awesome too!! Our husbands have Nothin on us...!!