March 31, 2009

my big day, Part roma numeral 2

If you missed part I, start paying attention!!!

Part II

Giving birth was the hardest but most easiest thing of my life. Don't worry, when your a mom, you'll understand, but if your already a mom, you still don't really get it like I do bc mine is so recent. No offense. Going natural {bc they came out of my body, as apposed to adoption} was an amazing experience and its given me tons of eternal prospective.

So we get to the hospital {after getting a DC for the way, special occassion} and as we checked in I asked my frenemy the beeotch receptionist to take a couple dozen pics of us. She's all, I doubt your in labor, your posing like a premee-donna. Rude!
In response, I just totally started lamozz breathing and crying and shouting, "OUCH, MY PERINEAL IS BURNING!" It actually didn't even hurt yet, but I defiantly didnt want to risk getting the drugs too late and almost dying from pain. Soooo greatful for medicine, and acting.

So, I finally got my epi (I wasn't "technically" "dialated" but one of my dad's doctor friends took care of it), then we talked in baby voices about our love and whether our feti were still in heaven holding hands and singing Saturday's Warriors {who are these children coming down??} and how we were glad they made such good choices to be rewarded w/ entering such a good looking, wealthy home with a buff dad and matching PB cribs. CuddleBear and me commented on how we felt so blessed that this special experience could be so private and my mom, MIL, sisters, SILs, cousins, VTs, wive's club friends, book club friends, bunc/ko friends and HS friends all agreed.

A whole nother tender mercy was two TVs so CuddleLips watched March Madness while I watched Jon & Kate plus 8 reruns at the simultanious time. Honestly, I have the BEST husband EVER, sooo greatful he was seriously the biggest support to me during the commercials.

After a couple hours, I whispered to the feti that there was only one long, dark, moist slip'n'slide between them and a lifetime of Pal memories and I think they heard us! Bc all of a sudden I had a special poop-my-designer-hospital-gown feeling. "BAAAAA!" I shouted, "Holy literal crap! I fill like I'm about to go #2!!!" The DTD and darling nurses came scrambling in and said "Don't push just yet cutie! Your almost there!"

This was it.

I knew it would be tough bc I was cursed slash blessed with a really dainty pelvis. I put aside my US Weekly, turned down the Top 9 AI playlist I was meditating to, took out my white strips, added a couple more mascara coats, visualized the new tickers I could add to my sidebar and how many YW lessons I could use this moment in for the rest of my life, clenched my teensy fists and grunted: "Don't disappoint me, feti!"

My acrylic nails doug into my palms as I tensed, pushed, then heard a ginormous squelchy-slurp noise.

"Holy Shiz!" shouted LoverButtocks, smearing Purel on his big worthy hands.
"I see one of them!"

76 comments:

Heart Mommy said...

Poetic and sooooooo beautiful.... I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the rest of the story....

Mandie Green said...

This was a great post but the thing that got me laughing/crying/gagging for breath was the new ticker that is counting down the time until your tears heal. That was classic!

Rach said...

You went natural bc they came OUT OF YOUR BODY as opposed to adoption??

eternal prospective?

Gawd I love this blog.

Ashley said...

Love the Saturday's Warrior reference. Bring on Part III! Also, I think our hubbies are kindred spirits. My first baby was born during March Madness and my hubby was so attentive to my every need about 3 times an hour. Thank goodness for time outs!

Kerry said...

I can't decide if the ticker or the it was so private and your mom, MIL, sisters, SILs, cousins, VTs all agreed is my favorite. Either way CONGRATS AND CAN'T WAIT FOR MORE!

Libby said...

TAMN, I can't wait to see if you're a super-pushy nipple nazi (modest of course!) or an ew-why-would-I-ever-feed-my-babies-gross-boobie-milk-out-of-my-hubby's-playthings kind of girl.

Sarah's blog... and I guess our newlywed blog that I update like twice a year. said...

TAMNS,

Thanks soooooooo much for providing us with every little detail!!! I cant STAND IT when people leave out important stuff, like what they watched on TV and exactly what the birth sounded like. I mean thats the stuff memories are MADE off, don't want to gloss it over!!

Lurve you!

Sarah's blog... and I guess our newlywed blog that I update like twice a year. said...

TAMNS,

Thanks soooooooo much for providing us with every little detail!!! I cant STAND IT when people leave out important stuff, like what they watched on TV and exactly what the birth sounded like. I mean thats the stuff memories are MADE off, don't want to gloss it over!!

Lurve you!

Amy said...

You "grunted"? Ewww. Sorry but that's really gross. I thought you might gasp alluringly or something, frills.

kris and judd said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry you had to see that frenemy receptionist again. She probably looked all frazled and frumpy in her birthing pics and was just jealous that yours are gonna be all cute! At least you could be all in her face about how pregnant you were with FertileNugget's righous seed since she didn't believe you the first time, you know, cause of how skinny you are!

shel7by said...

long, dark, moist slip'n'slide?? GROSSSSSSSSSSY!!!!!

but true.

kris said...

I just snorted.

Every time I think I can't love you more, you post something like this and I bow to your vapidity slash genius.

Trent!? said...

"On his big worthy hands." Wow.

I meditate to AI, too!

WHAT DID YOU HAVE??? Get to the birth! get to the BIRTH!

Token Asian Friend said...

By VTs, do you mean to say that Lynzii was there??? Was she??? WAS SHE??? She better not have brought those germy triplets!

Matchbox Mom said...

My hubby was super supportive between games of 'snake' on his cell phone, too. Aren't they just THE best?!
Gotta love my seriously so blessed life!
Oh..and you're pretty amazing going 'natural' too. So. Way. Proud.

Tam

MidCityGal said...

That's totally okay that you got the epidural first thing before labor really started. Because you can tell everyone that it didn't work and so you still felt all the pain of natural childbirth.

DangGina said...

"ginormous squelchy-slurp noise..." makes me feel as if i was really there...

The Bradley's said...

BAAAAA!!! I love it! I love how brave you were to go all natureal AND the deets about your #2 urges and the squelchy-slurp noise. THNXS!!!

Renny said...

Um, this was seriously disgusting. Do people really write things like this on their real blogs? I've read some posts on other blogs sometimes and thought, "wow, that really sounds SSB... so sad." But never anything like this. I mean really? REALLY TAMN? I thought the worst thing I would expect would be naked baby pics.(Anne Geddes-ing your baby on your blog is not cute.) But this? Sick. Sick sick sick sick mother. I do not want to hear about all the nasty things that happen to you when you give birth. And that slip 'n' slide thing? Ew.

dunnthat said...

I don't even know where to start...
Effing AWESOME post...
"premee donna"
"lamozz"
"My perineal is burning"
"Soooo greatful for medicine, and acting."
White strips, masacra coats, YW lessons...I can't even finish... laughing too hard.
Truly outdone yourself on this one.

Jamie said...

"Courage take, for goodness sake, and when your out of courage and your ready to break . . . you've got you're Father (JJWT is the most hndsome) and Mother (TAMN is the hottest), Sister? and/or Brother? Pulling together we can work it out!" Thanks for reminding me of the eternal prespctive we all need. Saturday Warriors really brings it all back!

The Boob Nazi said...

Saturday's Warriors???? I'm so creeped out.

SHILLIG4FAMILY said...

What is a DC for the way?

noelle said...

is roma numeral like a roma tomato?

Kristina P. said...

TAMN, I don't mean to be such a downer in this amazing time, but I can't believe you didn't have a scheduled c-section at about 30 weeks. All the completely normal celebrities, like Britney did it.

The scars are so little that you could still wear your modest bikini on your hip bone.

Lovin Elly said...

Never have heard labor and delivery put in such poetic prose!!! LOVE IT!!! Cant wait to read the next BLOG!!!

Kathleen said...

Um, not to be rude or anything but on you're pole, you speled they're rong. Its sposed ta be their. Oh, and congradulashuns!

Nikki said...

thank you for the saturday's warrior quote....love love love

Muum said...

So.......... what about the BABIES ??????????????
just sayin'

Alicia Clouse said...

Oh my flippin goodness! I don't know if I have ever laughed that hard, out loud, while reading your posts, TAMN! Just get to the point, though! One boy, one girl? Two boys? TWO GIRLS?? I must know! You and FertileBunz are so lucky!

M said...

That is SO speshul that you guys sang Saturday's Warrior! So perf for family bonding with the new arrivals on their way! I heart it!

Sadie said...

Still sicked out. Still waiting for pictures.

Cheri said...

TAMN: I love you.

Renny: Oh yes, people really do write stuff like this and even w/ birth TAMN is so right on it's freaky. And honestly this isn't even that detailed. Though I guess we have yet to hear about the tearing and the placenta.

Casey and Jeannie said...

Oh TAMN, *waving my hands to dry my tears* I can't wait to learn so much from you. *biting lower lip*

Howertons in Iowa said...

BEST Birth story EVER!!
Top 10 for sure!

And good idea to go private- it would have been embarrassing if more than 200 people heard JJWT shout "Holy Shiz!"

Jo said...

But you don't need to call them feti anymorz, they can be the twinsies, or twinners instead. And really this just means now you are a rock'n mom cause you have cute babies and the best part about breastfeeding?? It will make your boobs HUGE, not that I am implying you need any help in that area, but even more beautiful than usual.

~*~Coy~*~ said...

OMG...do you REALLY have a "how long I've been lactating" ticker?! That's truly disturbing.

The G Fam said...

Wow Tamn! I am SO grateful the little guy we are bringing home Thursday (that's right, come Thursday the sweet cries of babes will be heard again in our home!) that we did not have to go through "natural birth" again, that we can just bring him home, because not sure I could handle the emotional roller-coaster you are on! Thanks for giving me the strength to get up every morning!

Marisa said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Sometimes I recommend your blog to girls in my ward and they say "yeah, I've read it but I don't think it's that funny." Then I check out their blogs and realize that's probably where you get half this stuff. Thanx for LITERALLY making me LOL!

Lynnette said...

laughing so hard I am CRYING!!!! bless you.

Jewel said...

Thank you for all of the amazing deets--I almost feel as though I was blessed enough to be there with you!! I want more!!

Marivic_Little GrumpyAngel said...

I can't believe you did all that work. That's just way too messy to give birth that way. You better get to the Spa soon, Gurl.

ljy said...

When do we get to find out what they are and their names????? I can't wait!

Megan Gery said...

Holy literal Crap! BAAAAAAAAA!

Laura said...

Sometimes when the veil is thin, I actually remember holding hands and singing that song with my siblings. In my memory, there were 8 of us, but my mom only had 7, so I guess the other one is going to sit up there indefinitely pleading, "Don't forget your promise." Awkward, since I'm pretty sure my mom already hit you-know-what...

Jess said...

Oh heavens, one of the best posts ever! Congrats!

Asenath said...

Loved the Saturday's Warriors reference... lol

Hilary said...

One of my favorites.

Chloe said...

I love the taking out the white strips part.

You are seriously brilliant, you know that right?

AzĂșcar said...

Congradulashuns!!!!!


I heard your hair totally went flat. That's So Sad. Frownsmile.

Brittany Ann said...

Congratulations. I'm excited to hear the rest of the story.

debbie said...

I'm in tears (rilly, truly)and my gut hurts. You can decide if it from laughing or sympathy.

Heidi Ashworth said...

You sure know how to keep an audience on the edge of their dainty pelvises!

Amanda said...

TAMN,
What a wonderfully blessed day you had...it sounds so perfect. My husband did not give me breaks in between commercials, I had to entertain him the entire time! You're so lucky :)

Laurie said...

WAUGHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

[gasp]

WAUGHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

I am weeping tears of mirth right now. Weeping.

Rachel said...

seriously...i need some DC and for you to post part tres! btw, where did you get your designer hospital gown?

Shannon said...

MORE MORE MORE!

Megan said...

I think I'm going to cry!!! LOL! My stomach hurts. Perfect. Probably my favorite so far.

brossettelewis said...

"long, dark, moist slip'n'slide " whoa ease up on the grapic nature or add an TMI ALERT.

Then what happened...are the babes in NICU? Finish the story, please!

Frau said...

I think all you people who ask about the babies are missing the eternal point. Pregnancy is about the MOTHER sillies! Who carries the cute diaper bags? Who decorates the nursery with all those quilts that the babies? (It's not like they can USE them.) Who picks out the matching outfits? Who is responsible for those head-eating bows that are necessary to prevent gender confusion in little girls? It's the mother - who cares about the babies?

This is her big day that she will remember for the rest of her life. It would be a good idea to have her children throw a party for her and buy her presents every year on this day.

Tat said...

Saw this article and thought of you, TAMN: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/renowned_hoo_ha_doctor_wins_nobel?utm_source=a-section.

Also, had my actual baby on March 20, and I have to say I was so glad that he was born before your e-feti. No offense.

xoxo

Kathryn said...

Raise your hand if you would pay a lot of money to go see "Seriously, So Blessed!: The Musical".

I know I would.

Mrs. Clark said...

TAMN drank a Diet Coke on the way to the hospital, Shillig4Family.

And this was absolutely hilarious. It's all about TAMN, folks! Always!

Glad you got those whitestrips on, babe. Your pictures will be awesome.

Stephanie said...

WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES??!?!??

The Petersons said...

I have a secret for you now that you're lactating.... You don't need to BF the baby cuz that just takes way too much time and effort. BUT if you keep pumping, it's like getting a free boob job! Ten minutes a day is all it takes, trust me, it works!!!!

Bee and Rose said...

This is the best birth story I have ever heard!!!

Holly said...

"Sooo grateful for medicine, and acting."

Priceless.

Thank you.

Julie de Azevedo said...

It never occurred to me to sing the Saturday's Warrior theme song during my births. U R way more righteous, TAMN!

Remember it doesn't matter what you name the twinners, as long as you name your last child "Emily". She must be concieved only after a spirtchul sperience that she is waiting beyond the vail. This must happen after you've given at least 8 spirit children a body already. Having one more child you can handle proves you're more righteous slash spirtchully in tune.

amaree said...

I just wish my experience at the hospital for both of mine was as wonderful as yours was... You truly are seriously, so blessed! You'll probably walk out of the hospital in your pre-pregnancy tight jeans, too, no doubt. Because. you're. that. beautiful!

Katia M said...

Where is part III???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Katia M said...

Where is part III???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Public Artist said...

UM. TAMN, you aren't getting post pardon depression are you? Because I really expected you to have a sparkly fully stamped birth announcement up telling us the sex and names, Lynzi totes had hers up like instantly. Frown smile.

Jennifer said...

Thanks for all of the gory deets. Just when I thought you had said it all. I saw the ticker. Only you could make third degree tears look cute and fun. Thanks for all you do and congrats on the best birth Ever!

Little Lovables said...

Wow, I can't wait to hear if the babies had those nasty mushroom shaped heads from going down the "slip in slide".

prolly not though, they'll be perfectly round b/c of the extra tithing you have been paying

SumGreater said...

Awesome. Natural as in giving birth instead of adopting? You're my favorite.

Anonymous said...

that's so gorgeous i am so happy u are still alive and i hope the babies are doing amazing