May 6, 2010

Mommyhood tips!

A version of this post appears in the May issue of the Provo Orem Word, a darling new online literary magazine.

Basicly I am a
official expert on moms and being a mom and impressing other mom’s and everything. Ever since the magical moment JJWT and me conceived our twins I’ve seriously oozed parenting advice and hate to brag but most people say I’m naturally so good it’s freaky. Over the year, I’ve defiantly learned a TON of tricks about being a hip mom! Ready to learn some wisdom from a cute mom w/ chunky jewelry, tons of sass and a streak-free spray tan?

One of my goal’s this year is to SiMpLiFy so I broke it down into key words!

First off, EASY! The best easiest way to show the world you rock as a mom is if you’re babies are EASY. Any time any one asks about your baby, no matter what, say it’s easy. Get creative, e.g., “He is soooo easy!” or “She goes EASY on us” or whatever, as long as you say EASY loud and clear! This is a total code word for everyone you know to tell if your hot and righteous or frumpy and miserable, bc lame moms who hate fun and forget to shave their legs are the only ones who have fussy babies. Women who CTR are the ones who end up w/ clean, mellow, smiley, darling, chill, EASY babies who sleep through the nite starting in uterow. Plus babies sleeping habits reflect your worth as a person so ALWAYS round up, e.g., if they slept five hours, go ahead and just call it ten. Personally, my babies are so EASY and have always slept 12 – 14 hours a night since WAY before they were even BORN and are so chill I feel bad for everyone else who has kids that aren’t them, lol! So embarassed for my friend who’s kid is STILL waking up at three months, sad.

Second off, CHAMP! This is THE word you should ALWAYS use when talking about how your baby does normal baby things. Who cares if it doesn’t make sense? It sounds stinkin’ adorable!! Never, EVER say something as frumpy and normal as “They slept ‘well’” or “She’s a ‘pretty good’ eater.” Your babies should only EVER be compared to CHAMPS. “She sleeps like a champ!” “He poops like a champ!” “She drools like a champ!” “She cruises like a champ!” “He has the neck muscles of a champ!” “She eats like a champ!” Honestly trust me on this. Champ you can say for both boys and girls, but if your going to say anything else, use stud for boy and princess for girl, and make sure you always talk there gender roles way before they can even see in color. My Tridger is seriously ALL BOY, when he was a week old I swear his pupils dilated when he saw guns and tractors. Alivyiah seriously looses it if we try to leave the house without a ginorm bow, she is ALL GIRL. They are such champs!

Third off, POOP! Talk about poop tons. People LOVE that. Even if they don’t have kids, they love love LOVE hearing about the color, texture, projectile, and how often it gets on you. Take pictures of huge blow-outs , which is the cute term for liquid poop shooting out of a diaper, and blog all the pics of stains and just how zany things get with all the pooping! HYSTERICAL! Alivyiah and Tridger are so funny with their poops. They just turned 1 and have been potty-trained for EVER {but in our family we try to use briter words like toilet learning and elimination communication}. Either way, the more details you give fam, friends, heck even acquaintances about your kids’s poops the better.

Fourth off, compliments! A simple way to squeeze in bragging w/o seeming like your bragging is just to disguise whatever you want to say about your kids as something someone else said about your kids. It sounds complicated at first but ends up being super easy! For examples, just the other day Alivyiah, Tridger and me were shopping at the outlets {LOVE them!} and like five random people all said “Your daughter looks just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s little girl!!!” Isn’t that so crazy?? {Note: So no one actually quote-on-quote SAID that, but so what? It is a serious fact that I think she TOTALLY looks like they’re daughter, and everyone was probably THINKING it, so SAYING people say that all the time allows me to bring up Alivyiah’s darling star qualities all non-shalantly and then I can just do my smirk-shrug full of pity like hey, not my fault no one says that to YOU, you know?}. Great, right? And guys, honestly this works w/ everything, not just baby stuff, like you can say “People keep saying I look like I'm loosing weight, isn’t that weird?” or “I HATE hate HATE this haircut but EVERYONE loves it, isn’t that CRAZY??” You’ll thank me for this one.

Better go, sounds like Alivyiah just woke up from her most recent four-hour nap, she is so easy!! Can’t wait to hear about your little champs’ poops at our next GNO…this month we’re doing fondue! Hate to brag but everyone tells me, even strangers tell me, my GNOs are the best. Good luck w/ everything, mom’s! Your welcome!

37 comments:

Tiffany said...

Oh TAMN - if only I could have had you to guide me when my kids were little. I would have been so much more righteous! I have teenagers now. Even though you don't have any I bet you are still a pro at giving advice. Maybe you could help us "older" moms out!

Sarah said...

"Ready to learn some wisdom from a cute mom w/ chunky jewelry, tons of sass and a streak-free spray tan?"

Oh, TAMN. This is why I love you. I will never have chunky jewelry, tons of a sass, or a streak-free tan. So I read your blog.

And I love how you "defiantly" learned a ton this year. ;)

The Boob Nazi said...

I can't believe you mentioned (whispers) women who don't shave. That's terrible.

GladysIcanbee said...

"elimination communication"? one of your best ever!

Carrie & Dustin Nicholes said...

Haha..so glad you helped me discover my problem! And here I thought my baby was being fussy because of gas or hunger or fatigue or something. Better go shave my legs. :)

Abby said...

OMH TAMN, ur honestly saying your babies have blowouts? That's so sad. MY babies never exploded. Every poo was perfectly formed and always only took one wipe to clean up. Seriusly, they were SO easy and perfect. I'm so sad your babies weren't as considerit.

Lindsey said...

Tamners, this post was so full of incredible info, I don't know how to thank you enough. A. Maze. Ing.

"Babies sleeping habits reflect your worth as a person." I always felt this from other moms, but having you spell it out so clearly reminds me of what's really important. Time to back up my toddler's bedtime from 6pm to 5pm again!

ymcounselor said...

"We try to use words like toilet learning and elimination communication"

This was epic. This was another great column. Some day I hope to be as awesome as you, TAMN!

theferrisoneofall said...

My favorite post ever!!! Too funny! Thanks for the laughs - even if they are because you are so scarily accurate!!

debbie said...

Way to jump start the Mother's Day Guilt Fest early! I should have known I could count on you!

Afton said...

You called it on the poop TAMN. Your wisdom blows me away. Not like a blow out diaper either.

Crave said...

"even strangers tell me, my GNOs are the best."

Ludicrous. Hilarious. Outlandish. TAMN.

Frau said...

OK, I normally think you're funny but since I have a fussy baby this crossed the line and now I'm offended! I mean, laugh at other people if you have to but leave MY circumstances alone. Not that I'm complaining, but I thought YOU would understand how much harder my life is than everyone else's.

Though you are right in that hard babies are judgments on most moms if they worked too long before having them, don't read their scriptures, or neglect shaving. But I can't believe that people don't understand that I have a special case where God is testing me. Pretty soon he'll figure I've suffered enough and take away the colic.

Ces't La Vie said...

you are so wise

Brianne Burr said...

TAMN, I can't wait to take all your advice when I am married and have kids! Don't you worry, I will TOTALLY shave my legs and love fun because I don't want a fussy baby! You give me such joy, I just am so glad I have you to teach me the ways of mommyhood...thank you for making me laugh hysterically =)

Mhana said...

Sometimes I'm so jelus I could ShRiEk so insted I just deliberately misinterprate your acrinims. Like GNO looks kinda like gyno -- you get monthly pelvic exams? Or maybe you meant gnu? So you have this weird wildabeast pet? No offense but that will never get you in a catalog, maybe you should get a lab insted?

Well gotta go do my hair. My hubberlover and I don't have kidlypoos because we think its really important to focus on US and to take the time to continue our courtship after marriage, and if wouldn't have kids while we were dating, then it isn't appropriate now. Good luck finding a babysitter for this weekend, we're going on a mini-vacay to celebrate my potential motherhood.

Chase and Leah said...

you're hilarious Tamn! I love it!

Kristen said...

I'm not a mom yet, but I'm so glad that you give parenting advice, because I'd rather get it from darling and hip you than some grumpy boring doctor or frumster Relief Society lady! I like the compliments, you know, because people always say I look like Keira Knightly!

Sarah said...

Just when I think it can't get any better...

This post is {AwEsOmE}!!!

Brooke Trogdon said...

made me laugh, now i'm going to practice being a cool hip mom. btw, my baby is so easy he slept through the night at 9 weeks. How's that for a champ?

Jennie said...

EASY. CHAMP. POOP. MADE UP COMPLIMENTS

Got it. Thanks for dumbing it down for us.

Token Asian Friend said...

The article could have used more poop stories! I can never get enough of those!

the Eggett's said...

you NAILED it!

dharvey said...

"Make sure you always talk there gender roles way before they can even see in color."....... Hahahah ! So accurate. Even as tiny infants, females are required to wear uncomfortable, restrictive clothing and accessories, such as those scratchy, tight ginormous hairbows which leave red marks on their heads because they fit so poorly.
Thanks for a great post. Love you, XOXO.

Brooke said...

But TAMN, you forgot to mention how teething is always a reflection of how good a mom you are. EVERYONE knows that the BEST parents have kids whose teeth come in EARLY!!!

Also, you can pretty much blame any crying your child ever does on teething. It's like the PMS of babyhood.

triciathomas said...

SERIOUSLY you are where were you 6 years ago?????? I probabally look like the worstest mommy-o ever!!! I LUV LUV LUV you advice and will use this as my "bible" to great parenting!!! THANKS A MIL TAMN!!! We should totally go get pedi's!

Naomi said...

This is great! Your best post ever!

Jonny and Brittany said...

Oh man, this is hilarious! Today is the first time I have visited your blog and you write some funny stuff!! Can't wait to read some of your other posts!

The Queen Bee said...

Thanks for the advice, I'm totally shaving from now on!!!

Court and Jill said...

Bwaa ha ha! Elimination communication about did me in!

The Snow Queen said...

Isn't Brad and Angelina's daughter from Africa... i.e. black?

Heather B said...

too funny.

Liz said...

Wait, um, you all know that elimination communication is an actual method of "toilet learning", rIght? Google it people.

myimaginaryblog said...

I'm really looking forward to hearing about how you'll toilet train your kids in just one day with a big potty party and dolls that pee and poop, and a big dish of candy kept on the back of the toilet. Then it will also be so fun to hear how the next day your fully-trained kids mysteriously go back to pooping in their pants, almost as though on purpose to spite you, and they play in it and smear it on things, just to add to your trails in life and make you even better than the rest of us, and also because they are such creative artists. Oh, but wait, I forgot your kids are already (permanently, irrevocably) toilet-educated and have been for months. I guess I'll have to fall back on the other moms of tots for these kinds of stories.

Kris said...

I'm with Tiffany - you were just a baby when I needed your advice. Actually - you weren't born yet, I think. It makes me fell sad and guilty that my lack of cuteness may have been why my babies didn't sleep through the night until . . . I can't even bring myself to say it. I'd better call all my kids and apologize to them.

Laura said...

Love you! Ya know, I learned about this blog when someone who hates it was whining about it on her blog and she gave the address and now I'm hooked. Isn't that great! So sad she can't be as sassy and perfect as you and your champ twins.

katie m said...

This post is yet another example of your brilliance.

Spot on.

I think I lost some pee while reading.