Mommyhood tips!

A version of this post appears in the May issue of the Provo Orem Word, a darling new online literary magazine.

Basicly I am a official expert on moms and being a mom and impressing other mom’s and everything. Ever since the magical moment JJWT and me conceived our twins I’ve seriously oozed parenting advice and hate to brag but most people say I’m naturally so good it’s freaky. Over the year, I’ve defiantly learned a TON of tricks about being a hip mom! Ready to learn some wisdom from a cute mom w/ chunky jewelry, tons of sass and a streak-free spray tan?

One of my goal’s this year is to SiMpLiFy so I broke it down into key words!

First off, EASY! The best easiest way to show the world you rock as a mom is if you’re babies are EASY. Any time any one asks about your baby, no matter what, say it’s easy. Get creative, e.g., “He is soooo easy!” or “She goes EASY on us” or whatever, as long as you say EASY loud and clear! This is a total code word for everyone you know to tell if your hot and righteous or frumpy and miserable, bc lame moms who hate fun and forget to shave their legs are the only ones who have fussy babies. Women who CTR are the ones who end up w/ clean, mellow, smiley, darling, chill, EASY babies who sleep through the nite starting in uterow. Plus babies sleeping habits reflect your worth as a person so ALWAYS round up, e.g., if they slept five hours, go ahead and just call it ten. Personally, my babies are so EASY and have always slept 12 – 14 hours a night since WAY before they were even BORN and are so chill I feel bad for everyone else who has kids that aren’t them, lol! So embarassed for my friend who’s kid is STILL waking up at three months, sad.

Second off, CHAMP! This is THE word you should ALWAYS use when talking about how your baby does normal baby things. Who cares if it doesn’t make sense? It sounds stinkin’ adorable!! Never, EVER say something as frumpy and normal as “They slept ‘well’” or “She’s a ‘pretty good’ eater.” Your babies should only EVER be compared to CHAMPS. “She sleeps like a champ!” “He poops like a champ!” “She drools like a champ!” “She cruises like a champ!” “He has the neck muscles of a champ!” “She eats like a champ!” Honestly trust me on this. Champ you can say for both boys and girls, but if your going to say anything else, use stud for boy and princess for girl, and make sure you always talk there gender roles way before they can even see in color. My Tridger is seriously ALL BOY, when he was a week old I swear his pupils dilated when he saw guns and tractors. Alivyiah seriously looses it if we try to leave the house without a ginorm bow, she is ALL GIRL. They are such champs!

Third off, POOP! Talk about poop tons. People LOVE that. Even if they don’t have kids, they love love LOVE hearing about the color, texture, projectile, and how often it gets on you. Take pictures of huge blow-outs , which is the cute term for liquid poop shooting out of a diaper, and blog all the pics of stains and just how zany things get with all the pooping! HYSTERICAL! Alivyiah and Tridger are so funny with their poops. They just turned 1 and have been potty-trained for EVER {but in our family we try to use briter words like toilet learning and elimination communication}. Either way, the more details you give fam, friends, heck even acquaintances about your kids’s poops the better.

Fourth off, compliments! A simple way to squeeze in bragging w/o seeming like your bragging is just to disguise whatever you want to say about your kids as something someone else said about your kids. It sounds complicated at first but ends up being super easy! For examples, just the other day Alivyiah, Tridger and me were shopping at the outlets {LOVE them!} and like five random people all said “Your daughter looks just like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s little girl!!!” Isn’t that so crazy?? {Note: So no one actually quote-on-quote SAID that, but so what? It is a serious fact that I think she TOTALLY looks like they’re daughter, and everyone was probably THINKING it, so SAYING people say that all the time allows me to bring up Alivyiah’s darling star qualities all non-shalantly and then I can just do my smirk-shrug full of pity like hey, not my fault no one says that to YOU, you know?}. Great, right? And guys, honestly this works w/ everything, not just baby stuff, like you can say “People keep saying I look like I'm loosing weight, isn’t that weird?” or “I HATE hate HATE this haircut but EVERYONE loves it, isn’t that CRAZY??” You’ll thank me for this one.

Better go, sounds like Alivyiah just woke up from her most recent four-hour nap, she is so easy!! Can’t wait to hear about your little champs’ poops at our next GNO…this month we’re doing fondue! Hate to brag but everyone tells me, even strangers tell me, my GNOs are the best. Good luck w/ everything, mom’s! Your welcome!