September 18, 2009

**hate to be vulgar but HOLY CRAP**

{breathing into paper bag}

Wtfreak.

So confused and sad, if I don't just splurge on here for a sec I'll die. Remember Yvette, the ONLY one in my group of BFFs from jr high who is STILL SINGLE? I have been nothing but selflist w/ her from the gitgo. Have I tried to help her? Have I asked her nicely to stop eating? Have I given her fell-proof dating advice time in time again? Have I snuck her bikini's on singles cruises and boughten her dr pepper chapstick to help her get a piece? H YA I HAVE!

And after all that guess what she went and did?

Took any chance she had to be skinny and cute and eat fro yo and have a lifetime of taking pics of her feet pointed inward and she went and THROUGH IT OUT THE WINDOW. Does she even want to have a hubby and an etsy hairband shop??

W/o even telling me she went and put her papers in. Repeat. THEY ARE ALREADY IN.

If she ever gets married it will not only be a miracle but will also involve a station wagon instead of a escalade.

Ew.

Guys, I just want her to be happy. And by happy I mean me.

67 comments:

Laura said...

Oh TAMN, this is so tragic. I can't believe Yvette went and did something so awful. At least you won't have to worry about competing with her to see who's awesomer like you and Lyndzii.

Heidi said...

LOL *and by happy, I mean me.* Priceless!!

So anyways. HOW COULD SHE!?!?!?!

Jeannie said...

TAMN, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. All that work...right out the frackity frackin window.

Wait.

This means she's going to miss both New Moon and Eclipse in theaters.

*frownsmile* Obviously she's not in a sane state of mind. Maybe you can write to someone and plead insanity in her defense.

Steve & Alli said...

Gosh TAMN I totally understand where you're coming from. I mean, how could anyone be happy driving a station wagon? I'll pray for Yvette and I'll pray more for you- what a terrible thing for her to have done to your friendship!

Chelsea said...

Aww, TAMN, I feel your pain. Don't get too discouraged though, maybe she'll get called to Temple Square, or another Pretty Mission, like France.

Kerry said...

ZING! One of my favorite posts in quite a while. The fell-proof. The fro-yo. The "time in time." Genius.

I love you, TAMN. Condolences to Yvette and her lifetime of maturity.

I mean, boringness.

Dorothy said...

Returned sister missionaries are always fat and gross. Clearly, you can't be fiends with her anymore.

Linds said...

Probably my favorite post ever.

Christin said...

Wow, she must be out of her mind. No one wants a spinsty RM. Gross

Mer said...

It's so hard when a loved one losed faith and gives in to despair! I'll pray for you, TAMN

The other me said...

Destined to wear ankle socks/ american tan pantyhose with flat shoes for life now, proberly will tuck in her frumpy t-shirts in her stretchy wasteband to. Why oh why don't spinsty's listen to the ones who no?

longlostblue said...

That's so sad, TAMN. This must be such a heartbreaking time for you, to watch your friend fall by the wayside.

Lynnzie said...

Holy cow, didn't she ever hear that conference talk? hello?! girls dont go on missions, they wait patiently for the cutesy elders to come home :)

Barbara said...

What a waste of perfectly good Dr. Pepper chapstick!

tahnie said...

How horrible!

Love it.

dharvey said...

Oh. my. heck !! I am so shocked that I can only remain deafly silent. After all of your hard work w/ her! It doesn't make any since at all. Bear up, my dear. XOXO -- D.

Em said...

Oh My HECK. (sorry, i didn't mean to be vulgar either!) But that totally ruins any chance of marriage!! I mean sister missionaries are such frumps! Have you seen the kind of SHOES they were? Seriously, they need heels and points to them! ARGH!

Sunny said...

TAMN,

Yvette has pretty much ruined her life, but there may be some hope for her. Here is a helpful article on how to maintain femininity in the mission field:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=f5c118e7c379b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=024644f8f206c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Yvette should skip right down to the "Suggestions for Sister Missionaries" section. Lots of tips on how to stay (or get) skinny. Hopefully she can impress one of the AP's enough to have need of this article on lingerie (after her ultra-boring no-reception wedding, of course):

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=3881945bd384b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

whyimstillsingle said...

I wish I'd had you to save me, TAMN.

Maja said...

Hart this post. Hart you two TAMN and all your awesum unselfish service. I just tolly droped my spinsty friends when I got hooked up - but you tolly made them into a project! Such an example!!!

Mhana said...

Whoa take a deep breath TAMNers. I didn't have good friends like you, went on a mission stateside (so clearly was a fence-sitter in the pre-mortal existence, and it wasn't a cute place like Temple Square or Nauvoo either) and didn't get married until I was 25 and we drive an old Mazda. So I deffinitely see why you're worried -- the life of a returned sister is pretty ucky unless she looks young and hides her seemy past. But take comfort! TUNS of seriously cute girls get their papers and even get their calls then last minute get engaged instead! Sometimes they even go to the MTC then decide to merry mr. right! It is seriously not cute to come home from your mission to marry Mr. Right but backing out at the last minute is totally a go! In fact it can give you a kind of spiritual edginess like "I was prepared to go and spread the gospel in sweaty lands with frumpy shirts and ugger skirts, and just SHOPPING for my mission I had amazing spirchal experiences but then I felt called to marry my man instead." The MTC can be like a super-EFY as long as you don't get too into it. The key is for you to step up her dating life so she can get really torn. In a pinch she could marry her MTC teacher. Don't give up hope, and don't give up on her either because she could end up an RM. Have you tried telling her that she'll gain 5-10 pounds for every baptism? I'm pretty sure it was a direct correlation for me.

Allison said...

Well, in Yvette's behalf, my life with a Volvo station wagon isn't half-bad. And Audi and BMW have some pretty zippy wagons, too. Of course, I went on a mission, too. Hmmm....Is that why there isn't an SUV in my garage?

MandB said...

"By happy I mean me." Brill.

You know, I bet she never even read Twilight. *tsk, tsk*

Jennie said...

One of my favoriter posts... There MIGHT be hope for Yvette after all, however... I have met an RM or two that actually get married AND drive an SUV. But, we never get to work in YWs, (we might convince some other youngins to go on a mish) ... so there is a price to pay....

Cheryl said...

You never know. Maybe it's her way of getting someone to ask her to marry him. That's what I did, and it worked great. I had my call and everything and had to cancel my (oops, there not calling it this anymore but) farewell. Worked like a charm. So don't worry to much if she even gets her call. I got engaged with two weeks to spare. Theres hope yet.

Gigi said...

She is SO ungrateful! After everything you did for her! You are so service-minded, such an example. Maybe you can tell her to fake a serious disease so she can get out of it... and into a better singles ward?

Judkins Family said...

Seriously what was she thinking. That poor girl. She is going to need a friend like you when she gets back. Can you say 3rd wheel forever? Ouch.

jenn said...

hahaha...the feet pointed inward. that is the strangest recent photo trend- dainty innocent unnatural little feet! And what a shame she'll no longer have that chance...

Designs By Mikel said...

Isnt that funny how we see things..? Priceless seriously. Love it.

Kathryn said...

Sunny-Thanks for making my day. For those who didn't click on her links:

Actual sister mish advice from a 70s-era Ensign:

"If you get depressed, set aside a little time that day to do whatever raises your spirits. For example, spend extra time on your hair."

"If you are one pound overweight, it is too much. Take it off!"

"A sister missionary may be a wonderful person inside, but she must try to keep her physical appearance just as radiant; otherwise, the Holy Ghost cannot influence her in the fullest sense."

Forward this to Yvette, stat! At least she can be a skinny, cute sister instead of the frumpiest frump.

Token Asian Friend said...

Maybe you could add a few sassy items to spice up her missionary wardrobe.

Cristin said...

Poor Yvette! It must be hard to be so old (21) and not married yet!

Kamity said...

I totally feel for you, TAMN. Only instead of Yvette, it's my sister. And she wants to go on a mission, too. And she wants to get a MASTER'S DEGREE. Seriously, she needs to be SO much more focused on dating guys and finding her eternal mate. Missions and school are just so much more work and effort out the window, since I KNOW her true calling is to be a SAHM running a home business.

dharvey said...

..It just ocurrred to me that maybe Yvete will get called to a impoverished land halfway around the world, with very little food that is edible. That way, she can loose wieght. It could be a blessing in desguise.

debbie said...

I am speachless bc of her desicion. What was she smoking... I mean... thinking?

randa_joy said...

TAMN, I think Mhana might be just spirichul enough to do a guest post.

Loved this line: "Does she even want to have a hubby and an etsy hairband shop??"

Renny said...

:( I didn't even go on a mission and in a month I'm going to be a single frumpy 24 year old...
There is no hope for me I guess. Poor Yvette.
Why didn't you set her up with one of those Mo-Matchelors? Seriously TAMN that was a little thoughtless.
Frown. No smile. Just frown.

Melissa said...

Inspiring really seriously.

Sunny said...

OMGosh! I just tolly relized you never even asked her what her Patriartical Blessing says about all this! I hope she has one. How else do you know who to go to Prom with? And what else would she have shared at testimony meeting the last night of her last girls camp? I love it when people share parts of ther (and other peoples) patriartical blessings so we can see how many gifts they have and the important callings ther going to have and stuff and when the secund coming is going to be.

Anyways, ask her about it. Maybe she doesn't relize HF is going to be seriously so sad :( about her choice.

*~Petra~* said...

Love your blog... gives me my dose of giggles for the day every time I read it. ♥

Heather said...

I read those links that Sunny posted, and WOW what can I say? My jaw is still scraping the floor. If only I had read that info before my own mission maybe it would haven't taken me til i was 28 to get married.

Brooke said...

They don't even let sister missionaries wear bracelets!

Emily said...

You should send her packages. Cute ones. With stuff she can't use.

And write to her so that you have mission stories to share in RS.

That would make you so much better than the other people in your Relief Society. I mean, of course it would be out of Christlike love, but you know what I mean.

K. Elizabeth said...

Sister missionaries who really want to go on a mission are the best! I never wanted to go on a mission and didn't think I was the missionary type, but I knew it's what I was supposed to do. I had an incredible experience and I am proud to say I am a return sister missionary. I happened to be happily married to a super cute lawyer dude, living in AZ have the cutest baby on the planet and I am super cute too. Tall, skinny, blonde and cute. So don't fret, she'll be fine and she'll come back and meet the right person and live a happy life. Support your friend, she needs it. Missions are really hard, but worth it. And cute sisters are the best!

Becky said...

I'm with you...it's like you weren't even cute enough to get married when you were 19 and now you think your only hope is to go on a mission...it's not like your going to get any cuter in the next two years! I don't know what she is thinking. Oh, and I heard that Utah is getting a Red Mango. My sister took me to one in CA and it was so much cooler!

Frog Prince Las Vegas said...

I agree with Mhana. My friend turned in her papers and even GOT HER CALL and just before leaving for the MTC got engaged and now has a cute little bun in the oven. I know it looks bleak....but there's still a chance.
All we can do now is pray for her.

Molly in the Jello Belt said...

I was not a cute sister missionary. In fact, one of the members in my mission field asked me if I ever wanted to get married, and when I said 'yes', she comforted me by saying, 'well, looks aren't the most important thing.' Truly, she cheered me right up!

Now I have a hubby, but no etsy hairband shop, so I'm only living half the dream.

Sarra said...

you crack me up!

Matt and Jennae Porter said...

You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, TAMN. A sad fact of life. Thank goodness for people like you who are so selflist and never stop trying!

Little Lovables said...

you know what tho, think of this on the brite side........... she will have tonz of sisters to help her in the next while and score of elders too!

plus, she may get a call to brazil or something and get worms and come back way tan and skinny with a super hot accent!

Annie said...

TAMN, I hate to break it to you but it's over for her. My BFF went on her boring stateside mission when my first baby was 5 months old. She came back, finally got married, finished school and now SHE earns the $$$ while her hubby stays home and takes care of her tiny new baby. They don't even have a station wagon. True Story - RIP Yvette

strongmom said...

I KNOW! They don't even teach the grace/makeup/clothes class in the MTC anymore. Maybe she can meet her intended on her mission, there's always hope.

Laura said...

"I just want (you) to be happy. And by happy I mean me," sums up about 95% of the advice I've received in my adult life. One of my favorite conversations:

Me: Actually, I am pretty happy.
TAMN/well-meaning realtive: I know you might think you're happy, but you're not really happy.

Sarah F said...

maybe she'll have better luck in another state? or better yet another country....

MaryBeth said...

Don't loose hope just yet. I was a sister mishunary and totally found my hot hubby in the fild. Don't worry though...no fornication.

Good luck to Yvette, but even more luck to you TAMNers, having to deal with all that drama. Maybe if you mailed her sparkly vinyl lettering to put on her name tag the elders will look at her more.

kris and judd said...

Maybe she'll meet her eternal companion out there. I know it's a really long streach and she failed miserably finding one in God's country. But maybe she's meant to be with a hottie with a British accent and the only way she'll find him is to sacrifice cuteness and all your tender mercies. Just maybe...but set her up with all your single guy friends before she goes just incase!

Avree said...

Don't worry TAMN! I'm sure she just put in her papers so that whoever she's dating will pop the question! That's what EVERY girl over the age of 21 does if her boyfriend is having a hard time making a commitment.

Tarnation said...

I spose she and Ruth are gonna be bffs now.

Frau said...

You know, there are many more single women than there are single men. Some women just aren't going to be able to be married. We don't know why God made it that way, but he did. There is nothing that they can do about it besides stay young and immature just in case.

There are a few RMs who get married. But make sure she doesn't get a retirement plan. If she's fiscally responsible, she'll be soooooo hosed.

wowurabitch said...

WOW, I stumbled on your blog, and could not pass up an opportunity.... I had to read your entry 3 times to be sure it was not a joke. Are you really a Leader in your church, girls are suppose to look up to you and take your example? Hmmmm Ever heard of a Jack Mormon. Say you are Mormon but look at you go, and about your Best Friend who is about to take a huge leap for something she believes in. I am sure she appreciates your support.-- Hope I never meet a friend like you. Or have one for that matter.. And all these other comments.... bet it would be nice to have at least 1 friend who calls you out and tells you how wrong you are...I guess maybe I do not get the whole situation, but guess what... I do not have to to be able to form an outside opinion. I hope for her sake Yvette, NEVER see's this blog, or your So Called BFF may not ever speak to you again.... What is BFF anyways, friends until you do not approve of her.. Good thing you are perfect!

Katy said...

A hubby and an etsy hairband shop. Awesome!

Angenette said...

Laughed my derrier off.

Kerry said...

Hahahaha!! You just get better. Every time.

Tiana said...

My sils just told me that your blog is mostly satire. A relief! but maybe you should put that somewhere. Then again, maybe you just like to get a rise out of people.

kris said...

Tiana, you are cute. By "put that somewhere" do you mean the fact that her name is Tiffany/Amber/Megan/Nicole? Visit the sidebar where it says "Seriously So Blessed in the News" if you need a little more guidance.

Tiana said...

Yeah, Kris, saw that later. I guess I just have a bad habit of not reading sidebars. But apparently I am not the first person to not notice...(refer to recent post)

Dabanana said...

OMG, that is so mean! I am returned sister missonary and I am gorgeos! (Short, dark hair, dark eyes.) Married to my gorgeos Jason, and twiners on the the way!